Transgendered...?

[Mitera Nikkou]

It seems that "transgender" is an umbrella-like term, but I have my doubts as to whether I fit beneath it or not. Although I think it's more accurate to say that, if I ever did, I don't think I do anymore. It seems that, as with most things, it has "died." Kind of like how I killed my cross-dressing, although I'm unsure if I did this one actively; well, at least being consciously aware of doing it, anyway. I'm beginning to think that just being myself kills things. So, I've been tossing questions at myself lately, and I'm not really passing my self-evaluations. When I say, "I want to be a girl," or, "I am a girl,", it feels like I might as well be replacing "a girl" with "the king of the world." I've lost the sense of "truth" behind it, so whatever I say are just words or ideas backed by no feeling or emotion, as with most things. But I don't think that any conviction of ideas means that it's true; it just seems like I'm stubbornly holding on to a belief that may no longer be true.

Maybe I just think too much. I'll probably end up as a sort of vegetable, where I'm dead to the world because I'm lost in thought. Ha, ha, ha...

[Gee-chan]

I see what you mean. Your attempts at being transgendered have become so common now that they have lost all significance and meaning. They are now simply something that is done and nothing more, nothing symbolic, nothing meaningful. You seem to see that with a lot of things, you do something because it seems exiting and brave (or something) however you do it so much now that it is now normal and doesn't mean anything.

As for you going in a vegetablised state while lost in thought...that makes two of us.

[Anamnesis]

When nothing is meaningful...you have to find a way to make it so. For some, that includes cutting themselves off from what has become meaningless, and for others, they just take more and more in; as if it were an addiction they were trying to sustain.
*a sigh*
Why do anything, anymore? The things we'v egrown to love, are loved so much as to have become second nature, and in so doing...we've lost the point behind it...

[Gee-chan]

However trying to deliberatly make something meaningful changes what it was so the meaning and inention you wanted when you first did it is lost anyway and has become something else or something that is there for the sake of being there

[Anamnesis]

Precisely my point, and definitely the point of my "Why bother doing anything" comment. Life sucks, and the sooner peole understand that and move on, the easier it will be to come back to something later.

[Mitera Nikkou]

Well, I don't think it's from desensitization. It's due to depression and all that in general. I'm just bummed that it's gone so far as to reach my core interests, now. Still, knowing what I've known, I've been wondering if I've really lost anything if I know something but can't feel it out anymore.

[Stellar]

*Stellar had something to say, but it got very long and complicated....*

All that matters is the mental desire to be the opposite sex or not. It doesn't matter what pronouns are used, or what activities you do or don't do anymore. The inital desire is what makes you tged or not.

Besides that, I'm sure something will rekindle your old ways, or remind you of what was so invigorating about being a woman. *shrugs* maybe not though, you like to steer away from things that invoke too many hours of thinking.

[Mitera Nikkou]

But an initial desire isn't always true, perhaps hardly ever. I mean, just because you love someone at first sight doesn't mean that you were meant to be together, or even that the feeling would ever be mutual. I really don't know where I got the idea or interest in the first place; it just sort of happened. What I've been thinking about, is where the point of it is: if I can't be female in reality (asexual, if possible), and with my doubts concerning what I can expect after this life is done, I just fail to see the point anymore.

I never really felt "invigorated" about it. For me, by the time I realized what it might be, it simply became a cold, hard fact. I was like, "oh..." after spending several years with an interest in Ranma 1/2, including a few years dedicated to Ranma 1/2 fan-fiction, followed by a couple of years of reading straight-out TG fiction. I've tried to "get involved", but... It has never really gone anywhere; I've yet to even have an identity as anything.

I find your mention of thinking to be amusing... If anything, I think too much, and that's a large part of what distracts me. I don't really mind thinking, but I do mind how, in my case, it can inhibit me from getting other things done. Among other things... *Grumbles*

I understand where you're coming from, but I'm a victim of my perceptions of reality. To me, if it were important enough/a fundamental part of my existence, then I shouldn't have any problems. I do have problems, of course; what with depression getting me down and all. It doesn't help that I've been deprived of everything that actually means anything to me, so... Bleh. It all just seems pointless, and where's the point in caring about pointless stuff, right? I'm just waiting to implode or something.

[Musashi]

All that matters is the mental desire to be the opposite sex or not. It doesn't matter what pronouns are used, or what activities you do or don't do anymore. The inital desire is what makes you tged or not..

So what does it make you when sometimes you have the desire (to be a boy, in my case) and sometimes you don't, and just keep going back and forth like that? That's my problem right thar. XD;

[Mitera Nikkou]

I guess they'd call you a left-wing flip-flopper.

[SweetSophia]

If it's a truly honest thing to begin with, I don't quite know you can loose a mindset like that. I believe you can waiver on it, Sweet Fancy Moses only knows I've been back and forth through my short lifetime. I have tried to completely convince myself that I was 110% Boy and completely ridden myself of all feminine accoutraments, but I found myself coming back to the same conclusion shortly afterwards. It's not something I can ever completely give up on, it's not a phase or anything, it's who I am.

Then again, you aren't me. I have no true way of knowing what's in your mind and heart. It's up to you to decide if it's just a moment of doubt or moment of revelation. Now there are things to take into consideration. Is there no desire at all to be girl or to be asexual or has the desire just lessened over time? It can be a test of resolve to stick with it when the novelty of your situation wears off and just becomes norm. Is there something about it that you hadn't originally taken into consideration that now is consiously or unconsiously turning you off to the idea? There are different extents of things like this physically and mentally, it doesn't hurt to modify the original idea of what you want to be after you've learned more about yourself.

Note: These are my thoughts and opinions on the topic, please feel free to interpet or ignore them.

[Mitera Nikkou]

I wouldn't know why I wouldn't be honest. ;p At the worst my mind could just be farting up a storm.

As far back as I can be aware of it, there had been an unconscious "click" or something. It took me a decade (plus a tiny bit) just to actually consider, consciously, what I was doing and interested in. I believe that it really began when I first moved to South Carolina, which was when I was just a few days away from becoming eleven. We had been moving our stuff in the house, setting things up, and my sister and I did some goofing around. In one such instance, I released the thing on the trundle when she was laying on it, which made it fall. Well, I thought it looked like fun, so I wanted her to do that for me. However, whether or not this was due to doing it to her as a surprise, I don't know; either way, she set a condition where she wouldn't do it unless she laid one of her dresses on me for the "ride." As cliche would have it (or whatever), the dress was like a prom dress, and pink. I can only suppose that at least some boys would have at least blinked at that, but I didn't; she might as well have not made the condition at all. The thing is, right when she laid it down on me, I felt a peculiar jolt throughout my body, which had lasted for an instant. But it wasn't really until I was twelve, or nearly so, that I began to imagine transformations. And shortly after that I came across a woman's magazine among the filth and mess on the floor, felt intrigued, and I found an ad about estrogen that inspired cross-dressing, changed the nature of the transformations. I had never really thought about it... I never felt "wrong" or "out of place"; I just did it, as if I'd been waiting for the right stimuli all along. That's the best way that I can put it, anyway. Still, even though I had never put any serious thought into what I was doing, I still had a mind to do it in secret. I daresay I've never been much of an "open" thinker... You know, as in not having a need to hear anything in my head to know what I'm thinking about. Subliminal type stuff, I guess.

Anyway, that's pretty much the basis. The cross-dressing I had managed to obliterate (just a few years back) using reason and a lot of self-control. I mean, besides the fact that I had little to no privacy and a short supply of articles that didn't even belong to me, it just seemed like a waste of time; whatever satisfaction I had gotten, I had decided, was just fooling myself. After that I also went back and forth on how I perceived myself: if I was a male, I was just wallowing in the acceptance that nothing, other than my desire, indicated that I was female at all; and when I was female, I had to struggle to convince myself against all sensibility. It didn't make it easy having to conceal it all, to keep it to myself, so... It got to the point where I didn't want to think about it anymore, or at least put any significant weight behind my considerations. To make an already long story short, I had come to MSF wanting to express my feminine side, hoping for an outlet, but, well... I finally began to crack late in '04 and early in '05; I doubt that anyone remembers my long absences. After I got through that, though... I had lost a lot of things. I could no longer consciously care about many things, in particular those that troubled me most at the time. I lost interest in a lot of things, but my determination to stick with MSF created the creature that most recognize me as. I kept abandoning things that were male and female alike (somewhere down the road deciding on being asexual) and, even though I rarely mention any description of my "avatar" these days, people still assume I'm nekkid and all that. The fact is... Right now I see myself more as a presence than as something that can be observed. I've pretty much abandoned all character and have become nothing more than another mind, save for when I decide to toss some facade around for pretense's sake or whatever it is.

Anyway, it just seems to boil down to being too deprived. Substitutes have long since been unable to satisfy. I tried to do without, but it has only made things worse. Although I doubt that things would be any better with the substitutes... I guess that what I can say, is that what I'll say will always be the same: I want to be female (or something equivalent). What has changed, however, is how I hear it when I say it. You know, there's a marked difference with sound between a room that is amply filled and one that is empty. Mine is pretty much empty, and I don't like the hollow sound. It just doesn't sound real... If that makes any sense.

Well, whether if it did or not, I'll leave it at that. I might as well or I'll be tempted to write who knows what else. I've been a bother enough already, I think.