Over the rainbow...

[Mitera Nikkou]

This is a short that I dug up from some deep recess of my mind. I'd much rather fancy writing something based on hopes and dreams, love and happiness, fantasy and that which mystifies... But today I was inspired to write something based in reality, and this was the medium that I thought I could finally express it in. If you're expecting smiles and laughs, it'd probably be best that you don't read this at all... I'm afraid it's not that sort of story. Of course, if you're inclined to laugh at this sort of thing, then do what comes natural. And now... A story from me to you. A story... About a man, a woman, and the life between them.


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"All of the colors..."

"I don't want all of the colors."

It was like any other day, and I once again found myself deep in thought, at conflict with myself. Laying as still and relaxed as I was, one might not think that I was once again waging a civil war as a seasoned veteran. But I was; and it was once again taking its toll on me. Like a downward spiral, once triggered I would plummet as I swung from one battlefield to the next, sinking ever-deeper into the depths of bloodshed.

"Ugh... This is getting me nowhere!"

I stood up from my bed, frustrated, and turned to face the full-length mirror that was nearby. While it wasn't normally in my bedroom, in my mind's eye I could picture it as clear as crystal against the one and only wall that was clear of everything save a power socket. But inside the mirror was an image that was not so clear, that was neither my own nor anyone bathed in color; no, it was more like a silhouette, and the only defining feature was its feminine outline.

"Don't look to me for help." Came the cool response from the mirror.

"But... I have to settle this, and you know it! Help me out here!" I retorted.

The silhouette in the mirror gave me her profile and promptly snorted.

"Come on..." I pleaded.

But she simply continued to give me the silent treatment.

Soon I found myself sitting on my bed, face in my hands. It all seemed so impossible to me, to be able to live the life of a normal person. But what was normal, anyway? Was it someone who followed what everyone else was doing in society? Was it committing to some indoctrinations and holding to them? Was it... To become unnatural? Why did it always sound so unsavory to me? Why must I hesitate until I convince myself that it's wrong for me?

I felt a frigid hand upon my shoulder, but I didn't look up to investigate: I knew that it was my reflection of my female self relieved from the mirror.

"Give up." She told me.

She made it sound so simple; and sounding exasperated as if she were telling a stubborn child. Why won't she ever help me?

"You know I'm right. You can't exist with anyone. You're a lie."

Her words stung me like an ice storm and, enraged, I leapt to me feet and took a swing at her. But my fist didn't connect, and my body felt a chill as it passed through her formless face.

"Damn you..." I swore, shaking with rage, my eyes boring into her as tears gathered at the corners of my eyes. "I wish you would just die... Stop tormenting me!"

Even though it couldn't be expressed upon her face, I knew that she was smirking. But she was right... I was a lie. We were a lie; partners in crime.

Suddenly I felt my perspective change, and before me stood... Myself. My male self. And when I looked down at myself, I knew even before I glimpsed my formless body that I had become my female self.

"No, don't succumb to doubt! You've got to fight!" He rallied with fervor.

"Fight what?" I replied morosely. "The truth?"

"It's not the truth! There is more to life than just us!" He returned passionately.

I just shook my head, knowing how futile his efforts were going to be. Couldn't he see it as well as I could? There was no life for people like me. Anything I did would be both for nothing and for no one, because in the end...

I will not know what is, and what isn't...

I will not know what should be, and what should not be...

I will not know what matters, and what should not matter...

In fact I wasn't sure that I knew anything at all... Who am I?

"It doesn't matter! Whether if it's true or not, you'll never find anything out just wallowing in misery like this!"

Something flared inside me from somewhere within, and my eyes came to life like torches being buffetted by a gale; my hair, which had been limpid and lifeles before now rose into the air above my head in a bounty of flames.

"What else is there for me to do!?" I countered, making him cower before me as my voice detonated. "Know you not how I feel!? I've tried! Again and again! And, like a vicious cycle, I keep returning to where I started: questioning what I do, confused about what I am!"

He sank to his knees before me, and as he began to cry he became, like me, a female representation of myself. And just as my hair and eyes burned with rage, her tears and hair fell like waterfalls.

"I know, I know! I know how you feel!" She cried out as she wept, then suppressed her sobs so she could look up into my eyes. "But you know what you are... That you cannot deny!"

"No, I cannot..." I replied softly, as my eyes and hair simmered down. "It is the one certainty in my life that I can take comfort in."

She stood up and hugged me but, as soon as she did, she became one with me once more. Once again I came to an intersection, where any side of me could meet and agree on the same thing; it was very rare that it ever happened any other way, and it gave me a time to relax on placid waters.

I turned to face the mirror, which reflected the formless female silhouette that I currently assumed. Once again, just as I had done a few moments ago, I tried to give myself an identity. But I knew what would happen even before I began, as I continued to change my body, from one size, dimension and color to the next, unable to decide which was the right one until I smashed the mirror into shards that dissolved before any could strike me. I stood there, hair, skin and eyes glimmering like rainbows, staring off into nothing, trying to maintain my composure.

Behind me a congregation of phantasmic heads appeared, looming everywhere except within my line of sight, wavering and transparent. But I recognized them regardless of whether I could see them or not... I could feel them, and like other parts of me they had a role to perform.

All of them began to talk to me simultaneously, each with different hair and eye colors, and, in haunting tones, they said: "You cannot choose. So long as you live you shall never escape your fate. As a male, you'll feel like a fake; as a female, you'll feel like a fake. You can never be either, nor can you be both, because you are not a male and you can neither become female. You are doomed to exist in Limbo."

"What do you know!?" I yelled as I turned around and lashed out at the heads with a swing of my arm, the disturbance in the air causing them to blow away in swirling whisps as it passed through them.

But they were right... Once again I took the form of some female that had not an identity, with an insubstantial and unstable form. As it was with every occassion, I couldn't even decide on something as simple as an appearance. Appearance didn't matter, right? And yet I couldn't make a decision... As if it did matter. Or was it simply indecision? I didn't know. I never know.

That is the story of my life.

But today I have grown especially sick of my efforts to make sense of my world, and myself. Seeking my dreams while in turmoil has only found me reflected images of an ugly person, someone who lies to themself, to others, and can't help but contradict themselves because they're never sure of anything. Most of all, they are a hypocrite who knows all and yet has answers for nothing. I couldn't stand that reflection anymore, and I had to flee lest I suffocate on my own vomit.

However...

I still had hope.

Out there, somewhere, was my answer. I couldn't give up; I just had to find my answer another way. And so long as my search continues, focusing on anything else would almost surely fail... Because, until I find myself, I will not know where I stand so I can perceive where I am and where I should go. As for what I want to do... It's not entirely clear to me yet, but I'll never realize any of it until the conflict within me ends.

I made the mirror reform, and I touch my hand against the smooth and cool surface. My reflection did the same, but it was my male self reflected there instead of the female body I currently had (that which lacked serious details).

"One day..." I began solemnly. "I'll be rid of you. I'm sorry, but it feels right no other way. It's the only thing I'm certain of, so it must be true. For now I will bear with you, but know this: so long as you live, I don't; and so long as I don't live, you shall never have the power to be anyone or do anything without feeling hollow. You will always reek of decay, because you're a Hellish prison that imprisons spirits such as myself. But one day, one way or another, I will escape and leave you far behind. Even if it's for eternal damnation or oblivion that I desire to go."

I turned away from the mirror, and I opened my eyes. I sat up in bed, then stretched out my lax muscles. I was back to reality, and I wasn't very thrilled about that arrangement; as much as I've tried, I've yet to discover a place in reality where I could fit. But this was where I had to do my work... I had alot of learning ahead of me and, hopefully, some good would come out of it. Not just for myself, but I dream that I can someday be a great help to other people as well.

And so, using my window into the world, the Internet, I logged on and began another day of hopeful searching. I don't know if I'll ever find anything, but I'm never certain of anything. Except one thing... And I will strive to achieve it some day.


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I doubt any of you who read this will enjoy it, but it's something I've been meaning to do in some way for a long time now. w00tf1shst1cks.

[scarplo]

I SUCK at looking for a job. What's more, because I am so wonderfully equipped intellectually, I don't get to forget that. I don't get to forget racing to catch a bus, waiting hours at a time, and then walking for a mile or so to hear someone tell me "So, why should we hire you?"

Apparrently, that's really the interviewer telling you "'cuz I won't."

As a general course of such actions, one tends to reach that horrible space where every step is a struggle, where there is no way to win... no hope, no chance...

That's why I have a lion in my chest. When the dispair rises to crush my attempts, and I have to find a justification to take one more step, the battle cries rise from within the darkness. It's like a fire roaring to life... a phoenix rising to restore me, a forgotten friend riding to aid me.

It's also two very simple phrases that anyone can use. Repeat after me. "Bob it." and "Because I'm not dead yet!"

These two little magic phrases have power for a few reasons, but the jist is simple enough that even I got it. ;D

"Bob it" is a reassertion of control. When your mind roils with doubt and insecurity, it is simply a call to quiet and re-establish the things that matter. It's a crude little mantra, but shout it loud and you WILL smile.

"Because I'm not dead yet" is a direct challenge to the powers what is. It's a dare to those mysterious powers that seem to desire nothing less than screwing with your life to strike you down right there. They never do. And there's nothing like watching existance back down from a fight to raise those sails.

Those of you who talk to me know that I'm a confrontational guy. Thus my lion roars to wake me to battle. Each must make their own and find themselves... but really, if you've struggled with such a thing for so long and the only thing you know is that you can't know... set it on a shelf for a bit and work on something else.