Angel Tease

[Arkain]

For shame, not posting in this forum, Muffinstud!

Okay, spelling and grammar are, as far as I can tell, impeccable, always a good sign...

A nice, detailed transformation.
Regrettably, in terms of story, that's all this had going for it.

There was no perceivable plot at all that I could see.
The characters, barely two at all, were flat and entirely unbelievable.

Also, points out for their rather blase acceptance of affairs. Unexpected transformations, particularly in hither-to magicless/non-super-advanced worlds absolutely demand freaking out. Or at least a lack of belief, particularly in regards to proving one's identity to others.

I'm not really cognizant of music world politics, but I'm not so sure some small-time, brainless manager would have either the finances or the contacts to get a largely unknown DJ on VH1.

Really, there's great potential here, but it's lacking depth, substance, and feeling.

[Kyunji]

Agreement. Arkain nailed all the major points there. I'd like to emphasize focus on realistic characters, though. Muffinstud, one problem I've seen consistently throughout your captions and now this story is that you tend to make characters adapt instantly to any changes they or the people around them undergo. "HOLY SON OF SATAN why is there a girl in my room?" "I'm your roomate. I've had a crush on you for months and decided to become a girl for you." "Oh, okay... Let's go make out!"

How shall I put this...? Humans just don't act that way. A normal person would go through various emotions after someone close to them underwent such a shocking change, probably including but not limited to shock, anger, grief, and denial, not necessarily in that order. Emotions make the story.

The point is that when characters don't act realistically, the story they're in is cheapened horribly. This is the primary reason I find your captions and stories unsatisfactory. Don't take this the wrong way, though; you're much better than most beginners on MSF, but you have plenty of room for improvement.

[muffinstud]

Hee hee... sorry about not posting it on the boards, I meant to but never got around to it.
And thanks for the criticism! I get these movies playing in my head about how things are supposed to go, but it's hard for me to realize how there may be pieces missing.
And this story, the HOLY CRAP moment did not happen because, well, it's not the whole story. I fully intend on finishing things up and fleshing out Jack. I could care less about the manager. I intended him to be a filler character anyway.
But I had no idea I was coming across as naive as that. Any other suggestions are welcome, and I will be SURE to post the first draft of part 2 through this thread. It kinda has the same title.

[muffinstud]

Part 2 of Angel Tease. I am now very much regretting putting on part one in the state it is in. Just the visual presentation of the paragraphs on the screen is killing me. Is there any way to get a "redo?"

Jack had the weirdest dream. He dreamed that he was doing a gig at the new club downtown, but he was a girl. And he had a small black T-shirt with a heart-and-wings logo on it. Weird way to get a hot chick into his dreams, but hey, she was still a hot chick. He cracked open his eyes to look at the alarm clock beside his bed. It read 11:30. He was surprised it was still morning. He hadn't woken up before noon for a while. His brain struggled to think, but it was able to process two things. One, he had to pee. Two, he felt really weird. He slowly sat up in bed and swung his legs over the side. His feet didn't reach the floor. That's odd, he thought. Bed's gotten taller. He jumped down, putting a little bounce in his step (and elsewhere). His shirt felt really scratchy. Someday he should invest in fabric softener. Someday. A huge yawn and a good butt scratch later, he was making his way out the bedroom and to the bathroom. His senses were coming back to him as he noticed his boxers were a little more breezy than usual. Especially in the front. In fact, he didn't feel the usual "morning salute", instead he got nothing but a chill from the extra air down there. Halfway through the hall to the bathroom, he casually looked down at his boxers to see what was up. Instead he got a closeup of his breasts trying to poke out his shirt. Breasts? Since when did he... Oh no!

Jack pulled open his neckline to get a better view. With eyes like dinner platters, there was no missing them. Pert and Perky, the wonder twins, were right there on him. And as if that weren't enough, his bladder reminded him of another new development. He started to wet himself. And he could feel it...trickle. Crossing his legs out of fear, trying with all his might to make the flow stop, he waddled the rest of the way to the bathroom. Quickly he ripped his boxers down and sat on the toilet. He was about to relax and enjoy the release of pressure when two other things came to mind. The seat was up. Why was he sitting? Jack just barely managed to grab the sides of the rim before his cheeks hit the water. After his business was done, he took a few deep breaths, steeled himself mentally, and looked down. And saw her girly bits. Jack finally woke up all the way.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGHH!!!!!!!!!" She started hyperventilating on the spot. In some effort to prove she was still Jack, she got up and looked in the mirror above the sink. Instead of the tough-guy Jack had always pulled himself off as, she saw the hottie from the dream, still wearing Jack's favorite AC/DC shirt. She screamed again. It was a high-pitched, girly scream, but still filled with abject terror. She tried to run out of the bathroom and away from her reflection, but her legs kept getting caught on her wet boxers. She pulled them back up to her waist as she opened the door and entered the hall. Sprinting back to her room, she caught movement in the corner of her eye from the open doorway leading to the kitchen.

"Hey, slow down! You want some breakfast!" It was Jack's roommate Phil. Jack stopped in her tracks. She turned and hyperventilated in Phil's general direction. Phil put a smirk on his face. "Yeah, I'd be freaked out too if I found out I ever went home with a loser like Jack. I don't understand your tastes, but to each his own, eh?" Phil produced a plate with a steamy waffle on it. "Waffle?" Jack replied by walking up to him, grabbing his shirt in his hands and screaming in his face. Not one to be shaken, Phil replied with by stating "A simple no would have been enough. He wasn't that bad, was he?" The smirk got bigger. Jack maintained her hold on Phil's shirt.

"I...AM...Jack!" Now Phil's calm was starting to fade. He was still smiling, he just had a nervous twitch to it.

"Look, I'm familiar with the expression 'you are what you eat', but this is going too far." Man, he was good!

Jack couldn't take it any more. "Shut up for one second you moron! Last night I went to do a gig at a club. Some new club sponsor gave me a shirt. I put it on, and now I look like..." Jack waved a hand down her body, "this!" Now the smirk was gone, replaced by a closed mouth and a raised eyebrow. "So you mean to tell me you're Jack," repeated Phil. "And some shirt turned you into a girl." Jack nodded. Phil's eyebrow rose higher. "That brings me to my next point: Don't smoke crack." Phil immediately felt a whole mess of pain on his left cheek, right where the girl's knuckles hit him. "I thought it was funny," he mumbled to himself. The girl brought her fist up again, catching Phil's full attention. "Listen. I'll prove to you that I'm me. That I'm Jack. Ask me something. Anything. I'm still me...I'm still me." By now, tears were filling Jack's eyes. "I'm still me."

Phil put on his serious face. The time for fun and games was over. "Okay, umm, a question only Jack would know. I know! What rock album was on the Billboard Top 200 for 14 years straight?" The girl huffed. "You kidding me? Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon. The Wall was better, but I always was a Led head." Phil's eyes went wide. Not only was that useless kind of crap something only Jack would know, but she answered it just like Jack would. And her face did look kind of similar. "Okay, who are you, and what are you doing with my friend's brain?" The girl finally let go of Phil's shirt and threw her hands up in exasperation."Geez Phil! This is what I get for rooming with some psycho who sticks people with needles for a living. You can be so dense, you know that?" Phil smiled proudly. "I sure can. And the term is phlebotomist, although I prefer 'drug pusher.' But I still say you're the one involved with drugs, Jack." She froze. He had called her Jack. He believed her. She could feel a weight lifting off her shoulders, for she was not alone in this.

"You smell like pee."

Still not done, just got to a good stopping point for now. I intend to get a description of Phil into it, plus some other ridiculousness coming from his mouth.

Ideas, commentary, cupcakes are welcome.

[Funny Hat + Funny Accent]

>.>

<.<

*Gives you a cupcake of AWESOMENESS(optional:!!!).*

[muffinstud]

Part 2.2 of Angel Tease I really want to do something with this story. Even though it started out kind of weak, I enjoy the challenge of creating characters.

Jack's eyes widened, and she looked down at her boxers. They were dark and wet from her accident a few minutes ago. Her face turned red, shame and embarrassment clearly on her face. She turned and ran back to her room, and she could clearly hear Phil laughing behind her. She shut the door and leaned back against it, the heat in her cheeks refusing to go away. After a couple deep breaths to calm herself down, she removed the offending boxers and tossed them in a basket filled with other dirty clothes. Even though the boxers were off, she could still feel the nasty residue of urine on herself. She put on a pair of ill-fitting briefs from a pile of clean clothes and went into the bathroom again. She turned on the shower, and by the time she had removed her clothes, the water was blessedly warm.

It was wonderful. She couldn't even tell how long she spent in the warm water, but it still wasn't long enough. After a few hours seemingly passed, she turned off the water and grabbed a towel. No matter how much she dried herself off, she just couldn't seem to get dry. Especially her back and shoulders, they just seemed to get wet as soon as she dried them off. A quick glance in the hazy mirror gave her the answer. Longer hair meant more water. Needless to say, when she was finally dry, her towel was soaked. She put the AC/DC shirt and the briefs back on and got out her comb to get the tangles out of her hair. It still seemed unreal that the girl with the long, straight brown hair and shining green eyes in the mirror was herself. Reality came crashing back when the comb hit the first of the tangles. Pain seared her scalp and tears filled her eyes. She would have stopped right then and there if she didn't know from past girlfriends it only got worse once the hair was dry. A lot of pain and a few yelps later, her hair was detangled and looking decent.

Back in her room, she took inventory of what she needed to do. If she remembered last night correctly, it was that shirt from Angel Teez that had done this to her. She rifled through her pants and found their business card. She would have to call them to find an address. She also figured they might not take her seriously if she didn't have the shirt with her. And the shirt was with the manager. Wait...it was ON the manager! Jack had to lean on the wall to steady herself. She had put that lowlife club manager through what she was going through now! She wasn't any better than that scum. She forgot her paycheck. Paycheck! Jack winced. All that work and all this drama for jack squat. Today just couldn't get any worse.

"Oh, Jackie baby! You done checking yourself out in the shower? Or are you just now realizing you've finally gotten into a girl's pants?" Maniacal laughter echoed from the other side of the door. Jack could feel the vein in her neck pop out. She yelled back through the door, "You're just jealous 'cuz you're never gonna get a piece of this tail!" Jack slapped her butt to drive the point home. The laughter on the other side of the door stopped. Then it hit her like a semi. She was a "piece of tail." Guys would be hitting on her. They would be eyeing Jack like a piece of meat. Some guys might even think of her as a future conquest. She hugged herself and leaned against the wall. She might even be able to get... pregnant. Her legs gave out and she continued to hug herself on the floor, tears welling in her eyes. She was a target, and every straight guy out there would zero in on her. She had no way to defend herself. She was helpless. She pulled her knees up to her chest and cried into them.

She heard the door open. "Go away," she sobbed.

"No." She looked up to see Phil in the doorway. He looked... serious. "If there's one thing I learned in phlebotomy school, it was how to stick with my friends. It's harder than most people think, and if I didn't have friends to help me through it, I would still be cleaning tables at the pancake house. And even though I still miss the free waffles, I'm better off now. So what's it gonna be? You gonna use me and abuse me like you should, or are you just gonna sit there and wallow in your free waffles?" Jack creased her eyebrows together. "I have no idea what you just said." Phil just smiled. "Neither do I." Jack laughed through her tears, making it sound more like a cough. Phil had a hand extended to her, and she took it. After he pulled her to her feet, she tried to compose herself and get back to what she had been thinking about before, well, that. "I need to go to a couple places today to find out how this happened. I'm gonna find a way to be me again."

"Well, before you go out into the world, you might want to get some clothes on. I'll see if some of my lady friends left any clothes you might be able to fit into. While I'm doing that, you eat some waffles, missy! You can't go restoring your manhood on an empty stomach, you know." Phil winked and walked off to his room. Come to think of it, she was pretty hungry. She wiped the last of the tears from her eyes at the kitchen counter, where there were two cold waffles waiting for her.

[Queen Octavia]

*Unburrows*

Hehehe, I liked this story. My fav little bit was the ending of ch 2.1, it made me laff & I want your autograff! I hope one of the benefits offer to angel teez empoyeez iz maternity leavez ! The roomate character confoosed me though he went from "hey look I'm a total asshole" to "hey look I'm a really nice guy" while I wannit lookin.

You had better finish - it'd be awfully mean to leave your protagonist as a girl (Or at least an unhappy one) forever.

[muffinstud]

I fully intend on finishing up (I also do not enjoy a story that is left unfinished), however my real life will not allow that at the present. I also intend on fleshing out a couple other ideas, so keep a watch out. Only you might not want to start watching until a couple weeks from now.

PS If that is how you feel about Phil, I am a complete success! I created him to keep the readers on their toes, plus just to have fun. I thoroughly enjoy him and what I can do with him.

[muffinstud]

At UberLurker's personal request, I had someone in tight leather whip me until I finished writing the next part of Angel Tease. Trust me, it's not as enjoyable as people make it out to be. The whipping, I mean.

Hope this doesn't sting...

Jack was still having a hard time getting over Phil being serious. Even if it was for a short time, it was really weird. For all the time Jack had known Phil, he had never been serious about anything. Still, the support was much appreciated, as were the waffles. Jack destroyed them in less than a minute, licking sticky syrup from her lips and fingers for a while after. In fact, she was still licking her fingers when Phil returned from his room with a small pile of clothes in his arms and a small arch in his eyebrow. "You want some help? I could help you lick some of that off, if you like." Jack made an obscene gesture with one of her sticky fingers. "Fair enough. Try some of this stuff on, something might even fit you. But if it's too tight, you have to let me see first." The eyebrow went up again. Jack ignored him and just before going back to licking her fingers again, got up and washed up in the kitchen sink. "Aww, there goes my show. And I was gonna charge good money for teenage boys to see that." Jack simply turned, grabbed the clothes from Phil's arms, and walked off to her room. "Just make sure you still don't have pants on when you come out. Your legs must be warm enough as they are." Jack simply closed the door behind her, effectively shutting him off. He had been helpful, but now he was back to his irritating self. Jack could immediately rule out any more kind words from her roommate.

Oh, Phil was a good guy and all. He was just a prick. He never paid for a penny of his school because his dad won the lottery or something, and girls were all over him since they thought he was actually rich. Well, his brownish-red hair and brown eyes didn't hurt him either. For some odd reason, girls just liked him. Until they met him. Being Phil's roomie, Jack had seen a lot of girls run off yelling obscenities at him. Jack thought it was hilarious. So did Phil. The fact that Phil had girls clothes didn't bother her in the least. She just figured she could take care of things on her own.

Jack had always been the introverted type. Jack had never really asked for help even when he was younger, and she sure didn't need any outside help during this crisis either. Besides, this was about as personal as things could get. "Crisis is right, how does anyone wear these rags?" She was holding the first item of clothing up, a tube top that apparently hadn't been used for a couple years by the smell of it. She immediately threw the offending tube into the corner in an attempt to spare her nose. The rest wasn't near as old, nor near as bad. A plain but bright green baby-doll T-shirt, a pair of ratty toe socks, a plaid scarf, and a pair of brown pantyhose rounded out the bulk of the pile. There were two pieces of clothing that caused her to sweat. She didn't want to try them on, but she knew she would have to. One was a plain white bra, with the wires evident in the cups; the other was a pair of dark red panties, covered in lace to an extreme. Whoever left that underwear with Phil had definitely either been desparate or easy. Jack couldn't hold back a smirk. In Phil's case, it was probably both. With how Phil had been bugging her, she would have to bring that up.

As slutty as the underwear was, Jack couldn't help but think that it would fit her better than the briefs she had on. They were riding on her hips uncomfortably, and seemed to sag a bit in the front. That sag made Jack sigh. It was another reminder of the new equipment that made Jack officially a "her" to the world around her. It was something that needed to be fixed in order for Jack to become "him"self again. But for now, comfort was the issue, and the briefs were definitely not comfortable. She slid the briefs off, trying not to look at herself. She looked. Oddly enough, what really caught her attention was her legs. They had all the shapeliness he would like to see on a girl, but they were covered in stubby brown hairs. Apparently, whatever had caused her to lose most of her arm hair hadn't affected her legs in the least. It was the kind of forestation a lumberjack would be happy to see. If Jack was to be anywhere near inconspicuous while she was out, pants would be in order.

Any pants would still be uncomfortable if those panties didn't fit well. She slid the red lingerie up her hairy legs. Once they were up all the way, they were amazingly comfortable. Looking at them closer, they made her look downright sexy. It was a disturbing feeling. Jack just couldn't get over the fact that "she" had sexy curves and dark red panties that would drive a guy up the wall if he saw them. She should be the one up the wall, not the one doing the driving. She could tell she was getting worked up again, so she did an exercise that always seemed to work. She closed her eyes and visualized Eleanor Roosevelt. "Oh, it burns the eyes!" She opened her eyes and caught her breath. Trying to get that horrible image out of Jack's mind had always proven effective of clearing it of anything else as well. This time was no exception. Jack soon had control over herself again and pulled on some jeans before she could look at herself and get re-worked up. They were snug at the hips and butt, loose at the calves, but that was to be expected. Jack didn't mind jeans, even though her figure showed through them.

What she really minded was the bra. When Jack was with the guys he had always joked about conquests and messing around with girls. Truth is, he had lied a lot. This would be the first time Jack ever handled a bra in a responsible manner (panty raids Freshman year didn't count). She was seriously considering not using it, but her shirt was pretty scratchy. If it could improve comfort like the panties did, then and only then would she wear it. The AC/DC shirt came off and she slipped her arms through the holes. The shoulder straps were a little long, as was the strap in the back. After a little adjusting on the straps, she put it back on and felt like a weight was taken off her shoulders. Well, more like her chest. The back strap was really difficult, but after a minute or so, she managed to clasp the sucker. Looking down, she did notice one thing she wouldn't be able to adjust. The cups were a little big. Sure, it was more comfortable than without, but having one that actually fit would be nicer. Wait. Was she actually considering using a bra on a regular basis? Jack shook the idea out of her head. She had to get her manhood back today, and she would make sure of it. She slipped the AC/DC shirt back on (there was no way she was wearing a baby tee conciously). Jack opened the door and presented herself to Phil.

"So, the tomboy comes out of her hole. I was hoping you would wear the tube top." Phil had a smarmy look in his eyes. Jack raised a cocked fist. "Or not, that looks just fine," Phil cowered. Jack lowered her fist, walked to the apartment door and grabbed her keys. She turned to Phil. "You coming? There might be another girl like me." Phil went into a mock pose of "The Thinker. Straightening, he replied "Nah, I've had too much emo chick exposure today. I gotta loosen up my thumbs for an Xbox party later tonight. You better not miss it." Jack smiled. "You kidding? After all this crap you've given me, I'm ready to blow your head off for real! See ya!" With that Jack walked out the door, leaving Phil alone in the apartment.

Phil could only think of two things after Jack left. The first was "Man that sounded dirty!" The second was "Do I have to get chips again?"

Please, any comments, criticism, communism, cynicism or anything else that starts with the letter "c' is welcome.