The Magical Girl Academy

[Thorn]

Edited to make it easier to read.

[quote]“Why do these things always happen to me?â€

[Arkain]

Okidy, this is where we learn about our good friend the Indent.
Pick up a contemporary novel to get a good idea of how dialogue is juxtaposed.

Also, the brother was a little, hrm, unnecessarily dumb. Although that last comment was pretty funny... well, aside from the Huhuhuhu.
Do you know anyone who laughs like that? Normally, leastwise?

The thing reads pretty quick, I don't even know what the characters or locations look like...

[Cutey Kerina]

Don't stress indenting at this point too much, Thorn. Just focus on writing.

[Chibi MitchellTF]

The writing is good. Just remember that each new person talking gets a new paragraph, and that making the sound of laughter is unneeded in a novel/story. It's used in RPGs to save on sound effects, and in manga because it IS a sound effect. In a novel, you can use narrative description more often. "He laughed obnoxiously".

Also, try making the sound of a laugh to yourself. If it sounds weird, don't use it.

[Thorn]

Yeah I know, i'm too used to a school style of mine, I need to work on that.

And the laugh makes sense. Ever listened to beavis and butthead? XD

[Chibi MitchellTF]

In that case, it still would be better in a story to put that he 'laughed like Beavis and Butthead'. I myself, however, have been guilty of this mistake.

It's still a good story.

[Thorn]

I think making allusions of that type would really be out of character for the universe. Thats like something from Lord of the Rings saying "He had a presence that of Hitler."

And yeah I'm going to describe the characters more later.

[Thorn]

Also I edited, should be ALOT easier to read. That'll stop all your whining you gits

[Chibi MitchellTF]

*Stops whining* And the Huhuhuhu doesn't look that bad now, for some reason.

[Thorn]

[quote]I took a long look at the figure in front of me. He had deep red hair and messy spikes going down to his ears, a single stud in his right ear, and a black tip off every bang. I put my hand forward. It was then I realized that the form was me. Despite the hazy feeling in the air, I had almost forgotten. As I turned my head, the boy did too. I was back home, in a familiar bathroom. It was then I heard a female whisper incoherently. I couldn’t determine the direction where it came from. And I looked everywhere, as I turned away from the mirror, all I saw was darkness. The female whispering increased as I turned. When I returned my view to the mirror, I saw the woman from the portrait, Xian.

I then awoke.

Sweating from my strange but understandable dream, I looked up and out my window. It was sunrise. I didn’t say a single word while taking my morning routine. Even while heading down to breakfast, I didn’t even bother to eat anything but only had a glass of orange juice. I couldn’t concentrate. What was I getting myself into? I knew I had to, I knew I would learn much going here, but at what cost? Would I lose my identity? What if I become stuck? What if I don’t even remember anything afterwards? I just couldn’t think at all. I needed to calm myself somehow.

“Okay.â€

[Arkain]

Odd questions, you'd think they'd ask something different of a boy applicant. But, then, the questions are always a psychological gauge more than anything else... they'll see he's, hrm, rather nervous, goeth figure.

Bleh, fukus. I despise that article of clothing.

(Yes, I know it's funny for me to say that. Let's say I'm not here for the fukus...)

[Thorn]

Well the test is also given to the female applicants. And only 10 percent of the girls there are TF'd Males, they just dont bother with something different.

And yeah, she'll hate the fuku's too

[Arkain]

That is a rather significant population.
Every tenth girl there was a boy...
If they have so many, why isn't there a seperate test for them?

[Chibi MitchellTF]

Well, it's also a test to show how the guy reacts to being a girl.

[Arkain]

Also true, although what percentage of the population would answer differently? The tiny fraction who actually want to be girls, obviously (and those can doubtless find magical means.)

Then again, the institution is voluntary (aside of course from Adena's parental pressure, but very kids don't react to that, either in counter or in sync.)

In either case, I'd still devise a test angled towards the boys about to become girls, if only to get somewhat more honest answers... as much as one can.