Magical Sailor Fuku

Well, I've finally managed to concentrate on one task long enough to write a story. There's some bad language (used in the name of simulating the teenage male mindset), but nothing too explicit. So without further ado:

Dancin'

Saturday.

Thank God.

Roll over. Hit alarm. Reach for glasses. Parents are gone. Thank God again. Stand up. Yawn. Walk into kitchen. Stumble into wall. Set table. Heat waffles. Wait. Eat. Good. Stand up. Go to bathroom. Turn on water. Take off clothes. Get in shower. Water. Good.

Nice, refreshing, cold cold cold water...

I hate waking up.

After yelping and shutting off the water, I stood shivering for a moment, stunned, before I had the sense to get out and let the hot water run. While I waited for it to heat up, I tried to remember why I was so tired this morning. I groaned as it hit me. Staying up until three did funny things to my head.

I started to brush my teeth after the shower, which wasn't something I got done too often anymore. The last time that had happened was Thursday morning. Right before the science project. God, how I had hated that project. More accurately, God, how I still hated that project. But it was Saturday, and I could put it off a little longer now. Until Mom came home, anyway...

I stared at my reflection in the mirror. A blue-eyed face with brown hair sticking up in every direction stared back. I tried my best to judge my appearance as I carefully combed my long hair into place. Would that freckle make me look better or worse? Was my nose too large? Did I look "handsome", as people put it? I didn't know, and I highly doubted that I ever would.

While changing clothes, I wondered what to do. With my consoles and computer out of the picture, it was all set to be an absolutely boring day. The point of this "brilliant" strategy from my parents was to leave me with no choice but to do my work, and it almost seemed to be doing its job. There was no way to play games left in the house. I thought that over for a minute. No way to play games in the house...

The solution was obvious.

A quick inspection revealed everything to be set. Black T-shirt, black shoes, and long jeans. No one could give me any crap for that on the off chance that I met one of the more "physically active" (a.k.a. “mentally disabledâ€

Hey, just because someone is physically active doesn't mean he or she is stupid. ;D
Of course, that's his opinion.

Amazing that you have proper grammar and spelling. It's nice to see that around here. ;D

On to the story itself!
It's really not much of a transformation, to be honest, it feels more like you just faded out to someone standing somewhere else.
The person doesn't even know what happened and it had no effect on her life (since life changed around her,) so it might as well have not happened in the first place.
The reason why she changes is unstated. What's the agent of the change? Was is its motivation? What possible purpose did it serve? If it was a random event, what caused it?

Arkain wrote:Hey, just because someone is physically active doesn't mean he or she is stupid. ;D
Of course, that's his opinion.

You hammered the nail on the head there. Opinions expressed within the story do not necessarily represent my own views. =P

Arkain wrote:Amazing that you have proper grammar and spelling. It's nice to see that around here. ;D

Thanks. I like to think that that's one of my better points, particularly compared to, say, most stories on fanfiction.net.

Arkain wrote:On to the story itself!
It's really not much of a transformation, to be honest, it feels more like you just faded out to someone standing somewhere else.
The person doesn't even know what happened and it had no effect on her life (since life changed around her,) so it might as well have not happened in the first place.
The reason why she changes is unstated. What's the agent of the change? Was is its motivation? What possible purpose did it serve? If it was a random event, what caused it?

Unfortunately for me, correct on all counts. =(

It's not much of a transformation. I realized this while writing the story, but I couldn't see that there was much to do about it, as I had too much done to start over. On top of that, I can't really see a good way that I could have modified it without completely reworking the concept of the story, which would also have required a lot of extra time and rewriting.

Plus I'm lazy that way.

And yes, the motivation for the change is unstated. This is mostly because I failed to think of one and just figured something along the lines of, "Hey, wacky TG Japanese DDR machine, cool!" would be okay. It would probably have been easy enough to work in something better, but I failed to realize there was a problem in the first place.

At any rate, thanks for giving an honest review. My hope is that people will point out flaws in my writing so that I can improve at it and write better stories in the future, therefore increasing everyone's happiness level. I'm already brainstorming for something new, so I'll keep your suggestions in mind for whatever I get around to writing next.

I delight as ever in nitpicking stories, not because I am an ass, but because I genuinely seek to improve work!

Both for my own viewing pleasure and because of others. ;D

I'll keep those suggestions in mind, that I will.

I actually liked the style of 'fade-in'/'fade-out'. It fit the story as written, and I liked how the 'lifeless' person became someone with much more of a 'life'.

It was more of a spiritual transformation than physical, but I liked that.

A transformation is somewhat pointless if nobody knows what happened, though. That's the point of a change.

Sure, it happened...

A tree that falls in a forest, nobody is around to hear, does it make a sound? Yes, given that it fell and thus is moving air and other molecules to create sound...
But, more importantly, who cares? A tree falling is only interesting if it creates a noticable effect, either in the immediate falling or the aftermath.

I disagree, but will not argue. I say, in this case, it is closer to the 'chaos effect'. A butterfly beating it's wings creates a tornado.

sorry if i didnt interpret what you said correctly but,
in response to thing about tree falling in a forest. Yes, it may not have an immediate effect but what if it landed on a bug that just contracted a new deadly virus. If that bug is only one with the new string of virus and it happens to be blood to blood contact virus (or something like that) then it does effect alot of people. Or in negative effect, what if the movement of air does so and such and moves in the right way to make tornado or something, whose to say that tornado doesnt effect anyone?(yeah, thing about tornado probably gibberish )



sorry to rant, just saying just because it doesnt look like something effecting you doesnt mean it isnt. Just because they dont know they changed doesnt change the fact peoples lives were changed.



thank you for listening, now back to your boring lives (if you took time to read this you probably are a boring person, sorry if im insulting anyone )

sorry for taking up your time