Mecchen House - Complete First Book Online

[Cutey Kerina]

Thanks (even though I'm a girl :-p, but no biggie), you have no idea how much I needed that encouraging note ^^. I'd heard nothing but criticism (though constructive) about the chapter till this point. Thank you very much again *bows*.

[Ninian]

*nods* And to clarify, Kerina isn't just a girl as in "I wish I was a girl" girl like 90% of the "girls" on MSF, but as in "I'm capable of carrying children" girl.

But yeah, Mecchen is teh awesome.

[P-tan]

Ok that's 3 girls and 19 boys in my poll statistics..

That's a sausage-fest there. lawl

[Amy-chan]

*nods* And to clarify, Kerina isn't just a girl as in "I wish I was a girl" girl like 90% of the "girls" on MSF, but as in "I'm capable of carrying children" girl.

But yeah, Mecchen is teh awesome.

But any of the girls in MSF can carry children. It's all in how you lift them...

[Cutey Kerina]

With the legs. On another note, I've decided to consolidate 21 and 22 into one and have what takes place in 23 be part of 22. I won't change the novel length for now but I don't want to stretch or rush this end part. We'll see how it goes.

[Cutey Kerina]

Still writing btw. Chapter 21 is on-going. It's not my favorite but it will resolve the major mysteries in the narrative in the lead-up to the climax.

[Cutey Kerina]

Chapter 21 is posted. Enjoy!

[AnimaVex]

Neatzorz. I'll read it asap.

[Cutey Kerina]

Mecchen 22 is written...*collapses*
I'll post it once I get some things in order...

[Cutey Kerina]

Chapter 22 is up ^^V

[Cutey Kerina]

Umm...you're welcome to offer reactions...:-p

[Mitera Nikkou]

Then a reaction you shall get! Just not for the latest chapter. XD I just felt that you'd like someone to post about something, and I figured that it wouldn't hurt to read the prologue. I'll leave everything concerning this a mystery. Ha!

Now, from my personal opinion, the prologue felt solid, even if the prose felt a bit like Pennzoil to me. (But I don't read much, so that may be one of a number of normal ways for the flow to feel.) Oh, and take whatever I say with a grain of flying pig or something, 'cause I have no expertise in anything literary.

Right. Ummmm... Well, I think this was addressed before (yes, I've read this topic yet never the story until now <.<; ), but there seems to be a lot of dialogue being introduced by finished statements. Example:

I smirked, "stuff!"

I kind of expect this instead:

I smirked and said, "blargh!"

That's just what I'm accustomed to seeing, anyway.

There doesn't seem to be anything else with a potential problem, other than a few minor errors (as far as I know). I guess I can address them and you can decide for yourself. Because for all that I know... I know nothing! X_X

cause

(if a shortened form of "because") 'cause

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A bird with an intricate song called out then lofted from a branch into the air.

This one sounded weird to me. I may be wrong, but I think "lofted" would be used as an effect on the bird by something else rather than an action the bird makes itself. At least to me it sounds better (even if not in the context) if it had been, "then was lofted into the air by the branch." In the end, though, "into the air" probably shouldn't end the sentence.

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Aromas wafted.

Aromas wafted about? It felt like an incomplete sentence to me. *Blinks*

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For a moment, I was sure Jamie smiled a faintly in the shade.

Just nab that "a" before "faintly" away. Perhaps add a "had" before "smiled?"

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One thing I did notice was the trees seems to be spreading apart.

I think "seems" needs to be a letter shorter. And perhaps add "how" after "was?" I'm unsure if "seem" or "seemed" is more appropriate.

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You got lost on your way the post office to mail my letters last week.

Just need to add a "to" after "way."

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It hurt as much as you’d imagine but still had no effect.

Seems odd since this takes place in first-person. "I'd expected" instead of "you'd imagine?"

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We set Jamie down first with a plop then both plopped down too.

A "we" after "then?" As it is, it feels like I have to read "then both plopped down too" in third-person.

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I’m so so sorry this happened.

I think a comma is needed after the first "or."

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The bus groaned and slowed to a stop mere feet in front of Jamie.

This one is a bit confusing. If I understand the situation correctly, Jamie wouldn't have been in any peril had the bus been in front of him by the time it stopped. So, perhaps instead of "in front of Jamie", "from Jamie" might be better. Because I don't think that running into the side of the bus is life-threatening. It might've been funny, though. XD

And that's all from the peanut gallery, or whatever it is that I am. I've been meaning to read your story since the get-go, but (other than stories submitted to the site, which I have to check for content and thus read) I haven't been able to read any stories for some reason. Maybe I'll get to reading more of it sooner than later, but I'm sure it's turning out splendidly. Your work is not for naught! :O

[Cutey Kerina]

Yeah, the prologue still needs a lot of editing. But I learned a great deal from it.

[Cutey Kerina]

In the epilogue soon. I intend to have lots of sushi when I finish this book. Hopefully soon. It's been a fun experience. I'm tempted to go into the prologue for the 2nd book but it may be a bit too much teaser for something which I don't know when it will continue. But! I fully intend to make short stuff so I can keep fresh for the future. I may go back to doing captions for a while. We'll see.

[Sophia Anieri]

*HUGS Kerina-chan*