some poetry that i'm fishing for feedback on

[kaylatgsunshine]

I know that these don't have anything to do with TFing, but i think some people will like them. Please tell me what you think. I originally posted a different version of these at A Moon Romance like 8 years ago that reflected sailor moon characters cause that site only accecpts fan-fics, but these are the originals. They reflect a really difficult time in my life where i was considering suicide, and it was how i talked myself out of it.


Study #1: Pencil
------------------------
"So, why'd you do it?"
"Why'd I do what?"
"You know."
"Huh?"

Stop.
Start again.

"So, why'd you do it?"
"I don't know, why do people do anything?"
"That doesn't answer my question."
"Is it supposed to?"

Stop.
Start again.

"So, why'd you do it?"
"Because I had to."
"What does that mean?"
"It means what it means."
---
Do what you must.
Do what your soul tells you.
Do what destiny dictates.
Do what your mind deems folly, but your heart sees as right.

Do it.

Give it up.
Give up your dream.
Give up your desire.
Give up your love.
Give up your lover.
Give up your fancies and wishes and hopes.

Give up your life.

Give it all up, all of it, until nothing remains-
Give it all up, all except yourself, the barest essence of you,
Naked and trembling and alone and facing the world,
Not ready, not brave, but crying, not wanting to,
But without a choice-

How can you do it?

No choice, no choice-
You must.

In the name of duty.
---
Take a knife, sharpen the edge, thrust it into your chest-
Take a gun, hold it to your head, pull the trigger-
Take a rope, loop it around your neck, kick away the chair-
And see what happens.
---
God, punish me for my sins,
By whatever methods you may choose,
Deem me unworthy to live upon this earth,
My sins are mine,
Only I alone can atone for them.

One...
Two...
Three...
Four...
Five...
Six...
Seven...
Eight...
Nine...
Ten......
---
Solace in his arms gives no shelter.
Warmth in his smile relieves no pain.
Love in his eyes forgives no sin.

Shelter me.
Relieve me.
Forgive me.

Hold me,
Hold me to your chest, never letting go, brushing away the tears
From my face as I cry to you, my only, the only,
Kiss me tenderly, softly, understand me, understand my sorrow, my pains,
Share with me my losses...

Love me.
---
Wait, wait, wait for the time.
Pray, pray, pray that it's the one.
Hope, hope, hope that it's all over.
Wish, wish, wish that it is.
Cry, cry, cry when it's not.

Another life,
Another loss,
The light dims and fades and dies.
---
The light of innocence shines.
Revel in its glow.
Pure, pure, so soft and pure
Like snow...

Now, take your hand and wrap it around his neck,
Squeezing tightly, slowly, watching the color fade
From his skin to white, death white,
So pale and fragile and delicate,
Squeezing every bit of life out...

The body falls to the floor in a crumpled heap.

You weep.
---
A scream rings out,
He falls to the floor.
A thousand petals rain across his face, his body,
Twirling, covering him, like a soft blanket-
Protective, warm, shielding him.

A scream rings out,
I fall to the floor.
A thousand laughs run through my mind, my soul,
Taunting, mocking me, like a transparent sheet-
Exposing, cold, revealing me.

My scream,
My death.

A plea from my lips
For him return,
Give him back...
---
And finally,
After the bits and pieces have been found, picked up,
You discard them once again,
For something else, for something better...
Yet you still hang onto the smallest one,
Staring at it, for hope, for light-
A reminder...

A reminder of who you are,
Where you are,
What you stand for,
Why you are here,
When you can be free,
How you can find the path.

God, for my sins-

Pull the trigger,
See what happens.
---
"So, why'd you do it?"
"Because I had to."
"I don't understand."
"You wouldn't."

Stop.
Start again.

"So, why'd you do it?"
"Because I had to."
"I don't understand."
"You wouldn't."

Stop.
Start again.

"Do you regret it?"
Silence.
"Do I regret it...? Yes. God, yes."

------------------------
Study #2: Pastels
------------------------

One. Him.
Two. Him.
Three. Him.
Four. Him.

Always him.
Forever him.

Love him.
Love him.
Love him.

What about me...?
---
Selfish.

Is that what they call it?

Loving someone so much...
Giving up everyone for him...
Risking everything for him...
Killing for him...
Dying for him...

Selfish...
---
Crush, in your hand, the world.

Watch it crumble before your eyes.

Hear the screams of pain from billions, millions, thousands, hundreds, tens, ones
In perfect agony
In perfect union-
And cry.
---
But wait...

The light...
It's so bright
So warm
So soft...

His eyes
The source of it all.

Slowly move towards him
As if in a dream,
A dream, or death,
Towards him, the light,
And reach out to touch
His skin, his hand, his face,
And he disappears just
Before the fingers brush soft warmth.

Try. [I have.]
Fail. [I can't.]
Cry. [I am.]
Die. [I do.]
---
Waves of power-
His soft embrace.
Pillars of strength.
His tender caresses.

Wonder-
Dare not to.

A choice between
What must be and
What might be.

Wonder-
Turn your head.

Worry not about your choice,
Though lives hang in a delicate balance,
On strings of ice,
Thin, crystal white ice,
The color of purity and innocence
And death.

Wonder-
Do it.

A choice between
What must be and
What might be.

What must be...
What might be...
What must be...
What might be...

And in a single moment
Your decision is made-

What must be,
But what might be
All the same...
---
Music and memories
Intertwine and
Are discarded.

The past is dead,
Leave its decaying body
Behind you-
Where it belongs.

Now, the present-
The present is the time
When you are given
The chance to live.

Him.
Me.
Us.
We.

Together.
Forever.
Eternity.
---
Everything for him.

Him.
Him.
Him.

All for him,
Live for him,
Breathe for him,
Die for him.

Hold him,
Kiss him,
Love him.

Gentle eyes- stars.
Gentle breath- wind.
Gentle tears- rain.

In his stars,
With his wind,
Through his rain-

All for him.
---
Selfish.

Is that what they say I am?

I love him so much...
I give up everyone for him...
I risk everything for him...

I'd kill for him...
I'd die for him...

All for a single
Loving whisper
From his lips,
From his heart.

All for a single
Soft touch,
Almost not at all,
A sweeping caress.

All for a single
Beautiful gaze
From his eyes-
Blue-deep blue.

All for a single
Look upon him,
Drinking him in
With my soul.

Soul,
Body,
Mind.

Relinquish them to him.

Selfish...

Laughter,
My laughter.

Selfish?

Selfish.
------------------------
Study #3: Charcoal
------------------------
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.

Are you?

Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.

Why?

Because they say I am.
Because they tell me I am.
Because they look at me as if I am.
Because I am.

What is evil?

I don't know.

---

Born from darkness.
Living in darkness.
Freed from darkness...

Or so they say.

Free...
Am I free?
Am I really free?

Destined to live forever in the shadows of darkness.

So young, so strong, so much burden to bear.
So young, so strong, so much agony left.
So young, so strong, so much pain to feel.

It's not enough...
---
Pain.

Strike once- miss.
Strike two- close shave.
Strike three- death.

Beautiful death...

Your death.
My death.

Deaths run into each other,
Colliding into single massless forms
Of solitary emotions
That converge to create
Joy,
Agony,
Fear,
Desire,
Things I always feel
Yet never show to the world
That could never understand me.

No one understands me,
Not even myself...
---
Blood, in rivulets, raining down my body, like water.
Lick it from my fingers, like water.
Drink it for life, like water.

Death.
Death is my life.
My source of life.
My reason for living.
---
Yearning for it,
A single ray of hope
To shine into my life,
The only source of light
In my darkness,
My sheltered, frozen darkness
Of emptiness and silence
And whispered words
That melt away from broken lips,
Fading into the darkness,
Like so many other things before,
Like so many other things after...

My darkness,
My world without light...

My darkness,
My world without shadows...

The light that shines
Creates the shadows that
Mock and taunt and tease and
Torment and destroy and ruin...

Without good
There can be no evil.
Without light there
Are no shadows.
---
Help me, please...
I'm so lost, so confused,
I don't know what I'm doing,
Help me...
---
And the shining light responds
To my desperate call,
He holds my hand and comforts me,
As look into his eyes-

His eyes,
His smile,
His love.

I believe in you
I love you
I need you
---
Understanding,
Compassion,
Love-
Things that were never mine
But are now offered to me,
A way out
Of this darkened night
I live in.

And the blood runs
But pales and lightens,
Still flowing,
Becoming water...

Warmth that floods my veins,
Light shining on my face,
And I dance in it,
Revel it,
Beautiful sun, beautiful stars, beautiful moon,
Never stop shining...

Though the shadows may come,
The light always remains,
Always is there,
Constant, protecting...
--
If I'm evil,
So help me God,
For I can't be any longer.
------------------------
Study #4: Ink
------------------------
Time and time again, she make the same mistakes- repeats them in an endless, empty cycle that eons ago lost all meaning.

Her words, her looks, her actions are all empty shells of what she once was- and what she could have been.

You would think she would have learned by now... But she hasn't.

Experience gains knowledge but she has learned nothing. She aimlessly fulfills all that is expected of her, and nothing more.

She satisfies the world with her endless giving- giving that is unappreciated, unrewarded, unrecognized.

And so she is destined to relive the same lives, over and over, completing her term with relief that finally, it is all over. Finally, she can be what she wants, whatever that may be. She has long forgotten- only to discover that, once again, she is reborn on this sad, gloomy planet to finish that which must be done.

That which can be only done by her, and herself alone. She will live by herself, forever, in the realm of darkness. Where no sane mortal seeks to live. Her destiny is all that she has left. It is what she lives for, what she dies for. She moves through life, a mere shadow, cold, lonely, without ever feeling pain, or hurt, or petty human emotions, like love. She can never open herself to anyone, not ever. For what is the use? All, in the end, will remain the same, the same, the same...

Until this day. This strange, peculiar day, when she is standing on the edge of a cliff- where the gap between her past and her future brinks. And in between is her present. Staring, down into the waters below, the churning, swirling, enveloping abyss- so powerful, surely it can swallow her up, take her away from all this, away from this meaningless repetition?

She stares, wonderingly, with a horrible fascination. Her blue-gray eyes fixed, unmoving, unwavering. Why doesn't she just do it? Hasn't she done it before so many times? She can remember, over and over and over. She must take this leap to end one life, begin her next. As she is supposed to, as she is expected to- as destiny dictates, there is no room for argument...

Until this day. She stands there. In the same position, on the same day, at the same time, attired in the same clothes, the same dullness inside of her. And she waits, wondering what to do. Her sense of duty tells her what to do; to jump, to fly for a few seconds, to feel the wind on her face, cold and biting, to feel the tears of the only emotion she can ever feel run down her face. To jump like she always has, to complete the circle, to once more live as she always will.

So she backs away, taking a breath, no longer thinking, doing what she must, and running towards the edge-

But stops before the ground beneath her ends- stopped by something she has never seen before, never noticed, never cared to look at. But something that has always been there, always. A single flower growing on the cliff- a lovely one, but small, almost tiny, it should have died long ago.

Shivering in the wind, protected by nothing, by no one, on its own. She is drawn to it, kneels down, stares at it curiously, and touches its soft petals. Why hasn't it died yet? Against all odds, with everything against it and happiness, it must die; it should die- yet it lives. It struggles; it carries on, defiantly in the face of everything. When fate rules its outcome, it throws the outcome back in fate's face...

It should die. But it cannot go without a fight. It must live, to be free from the chains of destiny...

She shelters it with her hands; protecting it for a few, brief seconds in its life. A soft smile creeps across a young looking face, old with experience, hardened by fate, cold from life. But no longer. She kisses the petals gently before standing, and turning. She looks at the abyss below her. She stares at it for a long time. Then she turns her back to destiny, doing what she should do exchanged for what she must do. What she must do for herself- and she walks away.