WARNING; THE FOLLOWING WAS ANALYZED EARLY IN THE MORNING. FRIENDLY MODE IS NOT AVAILABLE. I REPEAT; THIS POST WILL HAVE NO SUGAR COATING. Reader discression is advised.
Alex turn from the mirror and closed his eyes. This could not be real everything that had happen in this house was wrong. He opened his eyes and turned back to the mirror. This time it was him as he was in the reflection. He was once again holding the dress in front of himself and the reflection was the same.
Turn; infinative form of the verb; Used solely to annoy English Teachers, and confound Spell Checkers. Icky.
Happen; Ditto.
Opened; Past tense, gives the reader a vauge temporal frame to the piece.
Was; Ditto, but a being verb.
Recommendations; Rewrite using past tense verbs; Turned instead of Turn, for instance, and replace all instances of "was" with actions.
Note; Comma usage is poor. Read paragraph aloud. Recall where you naturally take pauses. Import pauses into piece through proper notations. Short pause; comma. Longer pause; Period. Dramatic pause; Dash (--). Also note, there is no seperation between what appears to be Alex's thought and his action. Either provide a hint that thoughts are ricocheting in that head o' his, or make it seem like he's dealing with an unreal sitation through his actions.
Continuity; Turning away from the mirror and trying to deal with the unreality of it all implies a range of specific motions, none of which leave one's hands at their shoulders. So, why are they there?
He was about to breath a sigh of relief when the dress started to melt onto him. The suit he was wearing melted away as the dress replaces it. Now both he and his reflection where in a dress that was too small for them, but it didn’t rip.
Verb Tense; When are the actions occuring? Now or then? The suit melted away, but the dress replaces it? Everything was like it before? Again, recommendation that you replace present tense verbs with past ones, and gut every instance of WAS in the piece, replacing them with actions. And if you do make it all past, you're not allowed to use "Now" ever.
No the dress didn’t rip and it didn’t feel at all tight. His eyes grew slightly bigger, his nose was smaller, and the face lost its ruggedness. His hair grew to the exact length the reflection had shown before. His shoulders once broad were now…… His hand that were holding the dress in front of him and now were crossed over his chest became smaller the fingers longer. His waist became thin, but his hips widen.
Spliting this one up because I started with the part Coru had dropped...
You begin this paragraph by speaking to the reader. Very bad form. The change is a dramatic, rapid part; how would you feel if a show litterally paused so the narrator could fill in some flavor text? It's almost like droping an ad into the middle of a scene.
"His shoulders once broad were now..." Doesn't make a lick of sense. Say it aloud. Add in the pauses, and finish the idea!
His, his, his... give us some discription! His hands could become; soft, strong hands; His shoulders could be; square, powerful shoulders; etc.
The hair on his now naked legs retracted as the legs themselves became thinner and smoother in appearance. His now bare feet too shank becoming dainty and perfect for the new center of balance he knew was coming. Thy came his chest swelled into to perfect breast, and although he couldn’t he knew his best friend was gone too. He was a woman now but a bit older then the girl who had been reflected before.
Right off the bat, we've got temporial issues. "Now" implies present, but you use the past tense of retract, so you're jerking the viewer through the space time continuim. And that's just plain bad. YA CANNAE DOO THAHT TA REALITY, CAP'N! SHE JUS CANNAE TACK IT!
Shank is to stab someone with a small, easily concealable blade. Shrank is what you probably want.
Why would he know it was coming? Has there been any indication that he was expecting a change?
"Thy came his chest." Then? "Perfect breast" He's only got one big one? What makes it perfect? Why doesn't he know li'l Alex has moved to Mexico and opened a fishery? DETAILS MAN! Um... ROBot? Android? LIO! DETAILS!
Moving along; lots and LOTS of being verbs. She was this, He was that. If X acts upon Y (the dress shaped her) there's just a lot more vitality to the scene than if Y is acted upon by X (she was shaped by the dress.) PASSIVE TENSE IS YOUR ENEMY! AND WHAT DO WE DO TO PROSE-SPAWNED ENEMIES? Well, we rewrite 'em but that's analagous to DESTROYING THEM!
That said, because it's early in the morning for me, and I can claim sleepy irratablity, I prefer Jamie's method of subtle sensory input. Not only can we do a LOT with that, from building up Alex's character to giving the house itself a character, but it could actually provide a major plot hook.
To be blunt, Lio, this piece feels like he tripped a trap. Which isn't all bad, but it's cliche and formulaic. And based on what I've seen, you can do a lot better.
Beyond that, there's this strange little issue of working with the last author's piece, and this is as good a time to use that as any... right now, we've got a jittery, jumpy piece, folks. Most of what'd fix that is practice, but if you keep in mind what the d00d before ya did, and work with that instead of against it, the piece will mesh that much more and be a better story for the effort.
