My Story: Aeternal Battle.

[Chibi MitchellTF]

Did you like it?

http://www.magicalsailorfuku.net/Storie ... battle.htm

[Ninian]

A better question would be "Did you understand it?" or even "Do you think I wrote this while high on PCP and after somehow reading the entirety of Fanfiction.net?"

[Chibi MitchellTF]

Please don't say that the answer to either is yes...

[Mitera Nikkou]

Well... To tell you the truth, it did leave me scratching my head. But that may just be because I tend to need more clues and non-nuances to understand something. And the writing style is the kind you'd likely see at FF.net, so it was a bit disjointed, in my opinion. A better way to bring out that style, I think, is in a script-like format.

I didn't say "yes?" ^_^;

[Chibi MitchellTF]

*nods* Thanks for a reasonable review, but what do you mean about Fanfiction.net style?

It suffers from originally being part of a larger series, so the characters aren't introduced well, unfortunately.

[Mitera Nikkou]

My best guess concerning the FF.net style, is that it strays from a book format and its perspective is shaky at best. Punctuation, spelling and grammar aside (which FF.net is full of bad examples of), it's really the approach (or, possibly, prose) and how you start and end your paragraphs. I don't know the first thing about making paragraphs, more or less, but they play a vital role in making the flow of the story. I'm no expert with literature, but that's the best that I can describe my impression about it.

[Queen Octavia]

The first thing I did was scroll down to the bottom, where I saw the words "To be continued", which made me grumbly. Then when I saw "Lara Croft" spelled "Laura Croft" I died a little on the inside (Not that I don't make spelling errors, but that one I found very bothersome). I thought Lilith was a rather bizarre name to just throw onto one of your characters, as it is a very significant name.

The dialogue was light and somewhat amusing. Being part of a larger series is no reason not to describe the characters properly in the new installment. Especially when the target audience has not in fact read the earlier stuff. I think you had too many characters for something of this scope.

In any event, to answer your question: Yes I did like it. However, by reducing the number of characters and by using the plot to flesh out those characters through their reactions and deciscions I feel that it could be greatly improved.

*Burrows away before you can criticize "Potential"*

[Chibi MitchellTF]

Laura Croft was not a spelling error, it was a reference to Gold Digger, a comic I like, which uses that as a 'don't get sued' Tomb Raider reference.

Lilith is done on purpose. I didn't just throw it.

And I tried to introduce them well...But didn't do a good job.

[Cutey Kerina]

Was this written as a strange sort of farce? *genuinely bewildered*

[Chibi MitchellTF]

I tried for a Whedon-esque humor sense, or maybe something like Fred Perry's Gold Digger, which I'm a fan of...I guess it didn't work?

[Cutey Kerina]

It didn't work for me even though I got most of the references. It comes across as rushed. I've found if you want to take people to a convincing-unreal place you need to start with at least a small measure of reality or even "I get this" but it starts off with this sort of off-putting, unreal mood. I sometimes have fun writing random stuff though.

Structurally, in some early-on parts, your sentence breaks are either missing, in the wrong place, or not there.

Also there are places where it feels like you're "trying too hard" to write. You know, the sort of language that feels 'too much'. Purply.

Your writing is actually rather competent. I encourage you to keep going because you have a lot of the things right that work best. Focus on idea, character feelings and restrain yourself from over-indulging references. Remember, Whedon's humor comes from characters. Don't know 'Gold Digger' though...

[Chibi MitchellTF]

Thanks. I think I'll see about posting the early parts.