Not that it matters... Oh! Reverse psychology!? MADNESS!

[Mitera Nikkou]

I was seriously contemplating making a caption a bit ago, and I got a bit nostalgic because my seventh year at MSF was coming up. I thought about it because I'll always be reminded of the time that I joined due to the simple fact that I did so in order to share the first caption that I ever made, using one of the two images that had been hosted on the site at the time. Coincidentally, as I was looking the caption over, I was listening to this song by the time I finished reading it (a coincidence because of the number in the title), so I became more aware of the song, thus the lyrics... and something just kind of clicked into place.

Looking back on it now, that first caption was really an unconscious expression of an unspoken desire, especially in the last half of the final sentence. I never did understand or figure out what had driven me to finally get involved with a community and be social with others, even though, in many ways, it had scared me... Not until now, perhaps. I guess it was an outcry for the kind of change that I desired in myself, not so much to be a girl but to be a living, feeling person.

I know. Anyone who only knows me as far back as early '05 probably can't imagine it, but before that I wasn't anything like the predominantly witty, silly and carefree person that I tend to portray. Sure, I get serious or depressed now and again, but anyone, even someone of that nature, can be prone to that. The thing is... That "me" came about after a very trying time for me, in and around MSF, because I didn't want to give up, I needed a purpose to stay, and perhaps grow into the role naturally even as I used it to shield against the sensitive, vulnerable parts that I had initially left exposed.

I don't know if nature has taken its course with me, or if perhaps my choices online have made things worse, but as articulative and expressive as I seem with a keyboard, my ability to do so in reality has become worse than before. Maybe it's because I don't speak much, since my biological mother is usually the only person around that I feel comfortable enough to speak to, and we don't have much to speak about; especially of anything of length and import. All I know is that I actually stutter a bit now, make a lot of pauses to find the words that I want to say, forget a word as if I weren't familiar enough with it, saying the wrong version (such as tense, for example) of the word I'm trying to say...

So, yeah, I was looking at my first caption, remembering a lot of things that happened... I've known since the day that I assumed a mask that I was effectively lying to everyone about who I was, but I had hoped that it wouldn't be so much of a lie in time, or even a lie at all. Instead, I've become an even bigger liar. I've had trouble solidifying an identity for as long as I can remember, starting out as a young child who liked to daydream and act out fantasies in one way or another, to an older child that began to explore transformations in general, then a slightly older child that latched solely onto transforming into a female as soon as his curiosity finds him looking through a women's clothing magazine and seeing an ad for estrogen supplements, to a newly-minted teen that's crushed by reality (among other things that happened in that tumultuous time). I'm very... conscious of myself, yet all I have is an illusion inside, a substitute. To me, the worst thing that can happen to someone is to not know who they are... and I don't know. I just have a good idea, not realized.

When I look at my first caption, I know that I don't want to be some stereotypically cool, stony-faced dude. It might even be the antithesis of what I'd like to be. I can't bear the thought of being the same, stagnant, unmoving, solid, immutable. I want to be like the moon and the water, I want emotion to make me a different person from moment to moment, I want to stir up emotions in others so I can see different sides of them. I don't want to be far, yet not close, either; perhaps the gentle touch of a feather, or a ripple on a liquid surface. I don't want to be transparent or opaque, where one of the two significant halves of myself can't be perceived in either case; instead, I want everything open and honest.

I was so much like a child back when I joined MSF, even though I was twenty-one at the time; and in a lot of ways, too. And, like a child, I saw the cookie jar in a high place and tried to get it myself, ignoring the risks. At the time, I still thought that it must have been destiny to be born a Cancer, whose element is water, celestial object is the moon, nature is feminine... I was even born on a Monday (moonday), during a new moon (I think). I couldn't help attaching myself to Akemi, who seemed like a kindred spirit, and whose RP personae had powers derived from the moon. One thing that I know for certain about what followed that, is that I was (and still am) yearning for something familial in all of its forms, so the concept of the Aeternalae might as well have seemed like a godsend to me. For a little while, I actually felt like I had found myself, and my place...

I don't blame anyone but myself for how things eventually turned out. I was a fool, and probably more of a fool now than then because I'm directionless, knowing what's impossible yet not being able to completely let the ideas go. To let them wither and die would effectively be the equivalent of allowing parts of myself to commit suicide. For a while, I thought that pandephrenia, a portmanteau of pandemonium and schizophrenia, did a lot to describe my current state. However, not too long ago, I realized that what I do and how I think is more closely tied to escapism. Even though many of the very things I escape to are what make me feel like escaping in the first place.

Not that it matters all that much, anymore... The things that I once treasured and/or were a core part of what made up my life, that I could always count on to find enjoyment, are progressively turning from life-giving water into life-choking dust. It's more and more motion, now. Just going with it. I don't know what to think, or what to do. I'm just resigned. Not really surprised. Maybe I deserve it. I'm not even scared of how far that takes me away from who I want to be, from that piece of heart that found its way into a caption almost seven years ago.

I don't have any regrets. The good things, the bad... They are all very special. I wouldn't change anything. My lot isn't as bad as many others out there, so I can't really complain all that much, anyway. Huh... I didn't know that this post would take me here, and whoever made it this far with me. Sorry. Sometimes what little I can express gets the better of me. It seems like I expressed a lot, I know, but that's just it: I knew, but didn't much feel. I don't think that I'm all that far from being a robot. Regardless, I didn't mean to cause any concern. Looking back into the past just seemed to make me very aware of the distance that I see growing between me and everything else as I've drifted away, and I found myself tossing out an anchor of sorts before I realized it. I honestly couldn't tell you the purpose of this post, which is partly evidenced by its title. Or perhaps I just don't want to admit to myself that I did something for a silly reason, again. I don't know...

I don't want to see anyone feeling sorry for me, or anything like that. I wouldn't mind talking about the past, though. I wish I was able to keep in touch with all of the people that I've met since joining MSF, but I can no longer sustain the... presence of mind to handle it. Due to that, I miss a lot of people. Like the ofttimes philosophical discussions I once had with Etheric Dreamer (Sophia Anieri, AKA Sour Sophia), hours worth of time seeing Kimiko going away and coming back as she goes to and from class, Karm (windsock) being a jerk and a liar, getting into political arguments with Temet (Terra), chillin' with Coruscate (Kurohime), trying and failing to evoke a conversation out of Eirien (the Great Banana, indeed!), fluffing it out with Musashi (curse your wriggling toes!), teasing Lio (you dumbot!), being antagonistic toward Helel (Adam, Aeris, et cetera), being a general bother to X (Xia), the very uncertain (for me) encounters with Akemi (Ninian), the enjoyable chats with Samiko (nyo!), being tolerated by the ever-gracious Kerina, the pleasant atmosphere around Chihiro, poking at the lurking Saya (I know you're a ninja, but come on!), the sporadic but companionable talks with Sakura, the often fruitless discussions with Zalabar (ha!), just hanging out and picking up more secrets with Garath ( ;p ), pointless stabifications from Zeroforever (you cad!), having candid conversations with Tomoyo, eating Duck (it's your fault you're so tasty!), being a general bother to Alyta, messing around with Marked (Marise) and MasterofShadows (Moss), seeing what kind of trouble Jayme will get into next (I kid, I kid), trying to cheer Selena up (you can do it!), turning Sesshi into a cow or some junk (even though she already was one... BAM!), getting pricked by Thorn (sorry, couldn't help it), trying not to get squished by Kumi's prodigious, ahem, personality ( ), babbling nonsense at Skyblue (Mr. Blue Sky!), getting more beef from Cow Belle, not being a good sister to Eri (sorry...), the unforgettable spy reel with Amy, the misadventures with Beyond and his eyebrows, the stellar time I had with Stellar (how original, right?), my failure with NWNABA (I don't even have the decency to remember your new name, after Phoebe... sigh), the occasional defenestration of words with Gwen... just to name a few. Sorry if I left you out, particularly you fresher folks, but I am having a retrospective moment here, after all. XD;;

[Zilla]

First off, *hug.*

I know. I can relate to a lot of that. I also know that you may consider the hug to be an empty gesture, that it's just a superficial thing meant as nothing more than an attempt at lessening the pain, but there is more to it than that. It's the hug of someone who has been there, and can relate to what you say.

There are differences, but, those differences are mostly in our circumstances, but not in how we view them.

I, very much, have that same need for honesty. I know all too well about your concerns with the mask, and wanting to make it a reality. That was me in my teen years, in many ways. I also know what you mean about old comforts being... suffocating. Nowadays, I feel listless and uninspired, and I feel like I can't do the things I want to do, just as a psychological barrier. Video games just aren't the same as they used to be, and I think it's me that's changed more than the games.

I have that same yearning for familial contact, and that same strange disillusionment you have regarding the aeternalae. I wanted it to be real, I even let myself believe in it with all of my heart... and at the end of the day, I still can't give it up, no matter how much it's burned me. That hope will never die...

And here I am, still reluctant to drop the facade fully, because it's something that I treasure so dearly, the acceptance, the feeling that I am a sheep among wolves among sheep... But, in this case, in this cathartic empathy session, I should lay it all out.

I'm trans. I've been full-time for 4 years now. If things had turned out differently, I would probably still be in that dark place I was before, feeling exactly like you. I recognize all those emotions you're putting through, and I get despondent sometimes anyway, needing some kind of escape that I can never find. I've had insecurities about it, about not being truly female on the inside, about it all being a sham, some kind of sick fantasy or something, but I've largely moved past that.

I know I really needed this place in a time when I didn't know about it. I needed a place on the internet that didn't sexualize transformation (though, some of us do here too), a place that was... warm. A place that truly... understood the feminine spirit, not just making some twisted sexual fantasy out of it. And I didn't find this place until last year, when Sophia linked me to it (who I actually met from one of those "twisted sexual fantasy" sites that represented the thin, sick weeds that I could find). After finding this place.... It reached a part of me that was crying for attention almost all my life.

And yet... I was scared of this place. It was big, and I didn't know anyone, and I didn't know what was okay and what wasn't... and I was always afraid of losing that little bit of credibility of being truly and unquestionably female, that... if I played my cards right, I could be one of those rare girls that actually visits here, and separate from "the pretenders," who use this as a place for fun and an outlet for a side that they don't get to show others, but would be quite disturbed if any of it actually happened to them.

I know it's horribly bad, but... I had a need for stories like this to be real. I still have that need, but the voice is quieter now, because I live full-time as a woman, and I'm never addressed as anything but female in my daily life. Once I latched on, though... it simultaneously filled me and drained me. Being tempted, being so close to what could possibly be mystical powers that could give me what I wanted... the one thing I would give everything in the world for... it's not healthy, emotionally. There isn't anything else I can reasonably compare it to, other than having someone say, "Everything you ever wanted, your life's goal, your dreams, your ultimate destiny, is behind this locked glass door. Look at it! See it! But you can never touch it." Seeing it, and being so close to it... it makes me want to cry sometimes, knowing that it just won't happen. Once again, it's that part of me that won't give up.

All in all, though... I feel like I've come close to the end of my journey. I'm weighing whether the surgery is worth it, because it won't let me be a mother, and that is the main thing that I would want the surgery for. I have to come to terms with the fact that I can't carry my own child. If that's the case... I don't know if my genitals really need to be reshaped for me to be happy. Thanks to hormones, I'm not bothered by "male" problems anymore. It severely reduced my libido to manageable levels, and my body is still changing. I think, all in all, I wouldn't be much happier with a non-functional vagina.

Of course, the minute they figure out how to truly give me a fully functional uterus, I am doing everything in my power to obtain it.

All that crap aside... Your posts remind me so much of where I used to be, before transition, before telling anyone in the real world about my situation. I never felt like anyone saw the real me, no matter how I presented myself. I was constantly lying. I was either lying about who I was or who I wanted to be to people in the real world, or I was lying about my physiology and character on the internet. I never knew who I was, because I could never show anyone else who I truly was. Most times, I wouldn't even be myself on the internet, out of fear that I was just faking it, and that it wasn't really me, because it wasn't how I was in real life.

When I finally cracked.... when I finally told someone about it... things started to change.

The first person I told was a girl who used to go to my school, but then moved to Las Vegas. I thought she was one of the best people to tell because she only really talked to me and one of my friends from my area after she left. She was really supportive. It was such a relief, such a release, to have someone else in the world who finally knew the real me. She knew how i was with everyone on the outside, and now I was letting her see the me I was afraid to show anyone. Eventually, I let more people in... telling my friends slowly... until I finally got the nerve to tell my mom. Her reaction was probably the best I could have ever hoped for. It was basically "Oh! Why didn't you tell me sooner!? You know I would support you, and I still love you no matter what!" She even bought me makeup for my birthday, and took me clothes shopping, so I could start changing the way people saw me.

I could go on, about how I finally started being myself at school, about all the stupid trivial hassles and discrimination I faced from certain people, about how my dad to this day refuses to use female pronouns with me, saying I'm not a real girl, so I shouldn't be a "she" or a "her." But these are things that are further removed from your situation.

Jeez, my post is going to be longer than yours.

I want to say this. No matter how alone you feel, I know how you feel, and I genuinely care for you. I want to be here for you, because you represent my past, and I am now in a much better situation than I was back then, and I want to pay forward the joy that I have for life now. If you need to talk, don't hesitate to talk to me. No matter if all the mysticism of the aeternalae isn't working for you, you're still a sister, and I genuinely love you like one.

[Mitera Nikkou]

My post beat yours by four-hundred words.

Anyway, while I appreciate the sentiment, you don't have to worry about me. And, unless you were resigned to living like a hermit and watching life go by, I doubt I represent your past. I'm pretty decent at expressing emotions with the written word, but I'm essentially empty where it counts, knowing intellectually but not feeling emotionally. If I have my terminology correct, I think my position is rather fatalistic. HRT and SRS aren't even a consideration.

I can make do with the non-physical and unreal; for now, at least. I don't need any particular physical body to convince myself that I'm female. Which is just as well, since the kind of "female" that I'm interested in isn't what most people would think of when they think of females, who require males to define their own sex to one degree or another (depending on how one looks at it). Asexual, integral and independent femininity is what I'm interested in, as far as I can tell. In part because I think that the need for co-dependency is inefficient, but mostly because I don't see the point in things being divided into competing or otherwise conflicting opposites, or opposing forces that will cancel each other out (essentially rendering their value into nothing) instead of reforming into a complete and balanced thing.

Basically, if I could change my physical body into that of a female's, I could probably be content, in that "at least it's not cold" sort of way. But the environment is a larger issue for me, and I simply can't identify with, or abide by, how humanity acts and thinks. It's a mixture of alien, absurd and unpleasant for me, much of it making no sense. Whether I had a female body or not, I'd still be at odds with a world that I can't find any place in, and having a female body would likely compound certain problems in relation to that.

So, I've got no problem dealing with stuff until I die. It's not like there's any rule of the universe that says that I or anyone else should be happy or find fulfillment, and all that jazz. Things just are, different and changing for everyone. I figure if people can find pleasure in pain, I can find contentment with discontent. I won't be happy, or see the point in a pointless life, but it'll make the time pass easier. Sure, suicide's an option, but from what I've studied it's more likely to cause problems if there's any kind of afterlife, and I'd rather not be screwed over in an afterlife scenario in addition to having been screwed over in life.

[Cutey Kerina]

*hugs too* ^_^

[Mitera Nikkou]

Nuuuu! What happens twice happens three times! Then Hugglejuice appears and tosses me into a pit of Ovalisks! @_@

...Which wouldn't be so bad if I could hug them back and mean it. >_<

[Zilla]

Independence is awesome. It's a double-edged sword, and... in a way, it involves trust issues, but in the end, self-reliance gives me a good feeling. I know I don't rely on anyone else.

I will let people close to me, but I'm finding that I can never trust someone 100%. I'm too afraid of being hurt and not having anything to fall back on. Though, I think I could probably put myself back together reasonably well...

Meandering!

Anyway, some of your statements... I sense a bit of running from yourself in them. There's some level of "rationality," which doesn't quite fit the emotion that seems to be driving it. The way I kind of visualize it is a house with cracked walls, and the rationality is the spackle that goes in the cracks to help it seem solid, but in the end... I find it's better to let it crumble, and rebuild a new house out of the ashes. The new house is stronger and more solid, and even more meaningful, than its predecessor.

I really wish we could chat in real time... I feel like there's a lot to say between us, and this slower response style just isn't going to get to those things easily...

[Miku-chan]

*hugs as well* I know we have parried and played the linguistic manbo in the past, and even to the point of being within a couple miles of each other only to miss out on opurtuniies to have face to face time while also thinking how this person is so much like me at times. And so what if you show a mask to guard your self, I have found the mask we show is only a reflection of who we are and the mask you show us here every day reveals the warm caring nature you struggle to express while seaching for your balance point. I am proud to call you my friend, no matter what, I will always conceder you one, and a member of my extended family so there. Family is a concept of being, and this place is a home for all of us so all of us are tied to each other. You are never alone here with your 'Online Family' ... Now it feels like I want to rant. Remember you have the us here when you need us for whatever we can aide you with , even if it is limited. Please be secure in you place in our hearts and lives, you rascally Ragamuffin you...>huggleglompsqueeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzeeeeeee<

[Mitera Nikkou]

Oh, you big sillies. I remain a mystery!

Well, I can't say whether real-time communication will ever happen, since I've developed a bit of an irrational fear over it. Short of someone saying, "get the hell on AIM," it's unlikely that I'll do it without someone telling me to do it.

[Zilla]

Get the hell on AIM.

Monday, anyway, because I can't really chat until then. You have nothing to lose. I guarantee it.

[Mitera Nikkou]

If you're from the Men's Wearhouse, then I stand to lose one of two things: my nekkidness, or my dubious gender. Or both. :O

[Zilla]

You're in luck, I run a terrorist cell whose aims include the destruction of the Men's Wearhouse! Soon the world will be free of their cotton oppression!

[Mitera Nikkou]

Now wait just one cotton-picking minute...

...

Have you picked on cotton for a minute? It's so hard to tell with these posts. ;/

[Miku-chan]

Well, with all the synthetic plants that grow here, it is kinda hard to tell if she is picking cotton or poly styren...

[Mitera Nikkou]

I don't know why they have to mess with plants' genetics like that. Nature does a better job of nurturing things than we do, and nature doesn't even care!

[Zilla]

AIM and your ass have a meeting ^^