Ninian wrote:Garath, if you believe me changed, then I go by "Ninian" these days -- "Nina" as diminutive form. You may call me "Akemi" if you feel the same vibe you used to, but I'd like to think that I'm not that angry and emotionally unstable youth anymore.
I'll attempt to call you Nina. Ninian isn't going to stick in my mind sadly. If I do call you Akemi from time to time, try not to mind it. It's simply not that easy for me to suddenly call someone something else so easily. Again given our history, I just kinda got use to knowing you as 'Akemi'.
Ninian wrote:I think I actually understand what you're talking about. The whole "becoming defined thanks to antagonism" -- I'd like to think that in a way that's a similar relationship many transgender/transsexual people develop with their own bodies. By knowing and defying society's attempts to make us someone we're not, we wind up clinging closer to what we really are. When I was really into "demons" I had this weird might-makes-right mentality where if you can't prove you deserve to be who you are, I'd have the right to decide for you. That we'd all be better if we were all constantly challenged that way. I want to emphasize though that I don't think this way anymore. Society and its virtues are built on security, and I'm not convinced anarchy has more pros than cons.
I'm going to give you the benifit of the doubt that you aren't like that anymore. Please don't hold it against me Nina. But I have to say that I still feel a bit weary around you. I doubt I'll ever be able to really trust you. I think you understand what I mean however.
Ninian wrote:I'm not going to comment on the Aeternalae "cult" culture because I largely agree. It terrified me too. The worst part was later learning just what kind of crazy individuals were showing up -- one long gone individual (thank god) was even a trafficker of... well... exploitative photos of children, I'll leave it at that. It was worse than you ever believed, and we're all lucky it fizzled out with nobody getting hurt.
This was one of the reasons I always wanted to 'drop' the RP aspects when I spoke to you. I honestly didn't think you realized what you were doing at times with your Aeternalae. I'm sorry you had to deal with someone like that because of where it was leaning.
Ninian wrote:Anyways, I have to confess: I'm not as hard against suicide as you'd probably like. It has something to do with how I'm shaping up. I identify a lot more death-entities like shinigami these days. Playfully, I might even consider the idea you saw that in me all along -- after all, a lot of my favorite TFs read kind of like snuff fiction to begin with. I see death as rather important in our growth. That said, it's not the social stigma. I discourage suicides because most are either done in haste, or done under a delusion -- such as a cult delusion, as you pointed out. If someone is of sound mind, and is convinced they have nothing else to live for is a purely intellectual way, and they really don't -- be it from age, terminal illness, whatever -- and they take proper preparations to minimize the hurt involved in leaving people behind, I can even condone suicide. However, again, most suicides are done in the heat of emotion, and they wind up hurting a lot of people thoughtlessly. And not their enemies either, but their friends and loved ones. In fact, I'd go so far as to argue if anyone deserves a forced "overwrite of self" transformation, it's those sort of suicidees. After all, they threw themselves away, so it's akin to trash collecting as far as I'm concerned.
I have little to comment. For a long time I felt that if I wanted to end my life, I had every right to. My life is mine to do as I wish. However, I do think that suicide is simply what it is: Giving up. My life sucks sure, but I've kept going despite everything it has thrown at me. I think I'm a better person because of it. I have to admit that I wish I wasn't so use to life dealing me the raw deal though. I'm going to keep my comments on the type of people I think deserve an "overwrite of self" to myself right now. But there are some. I don't think suicidees need it though, but I do believe they need help.
Ninian wrote:If we're being open about our past antagonism, let me share too -- I picked fights with you due to a perception that you were testosterone-drunk and a misogynist. As far my "Aeternal" sense went, you might as well have dipped yourself in BBQ sauce and pranced repeatedly across a grill. The "testosterone-drunk" part has to do with your preference for shonen stuff like Dragonball Z, or your talking about seeking true destructive power without even paying attention to scope or scale (mind you, I was guilty of this too!). The misogynist part had to do with what kind of stories or captions you'd write -- boy becomes heterosexual girl, and because girls are weak and can't do anything without a man, she has to find a boyfriend. Like ASAP. Hell, look at the signature you have even right now -- some dude strangling a naked chick (that for all I know is innocent) talking about how he wants the power to erase data. Can you blame me for believing on some level that you hated women or had serious mother issues? Mind you, I'm not saying my perception of you wasn't a caricature but then most hate stems from both sides turning the other into a cartoon to begin with. For what it's worth, nowadays I'd definitely give you the benefit of the doubt by virtue that you're so willing to intellectually discuss things. For one thing, unless I'm grossly mistaken, I don't think bringing up what I just did so candidly is going to blow up in my face. I just wish I was able to do it so directly back then. I'm sorry I turned you into a cartoon and didn't bring up what was bothering me immediately instead of it needing to come out rationally years alter.
I might be a bit testosterone drunk. The simple fact is I'm PROUD to be a man. I'm proud to be male. Another one of the many reasons Eternals bothered me. Why should I have to give up being a guy, when I enjoy being one? I shall say right now that if I had the power I would LOVE to give anyone the body they desire, and if they desire to be female I think they have the right to be female. However, I like being a man, so I hated it when Eternals would claim that 'Men were evil' or some nonsense like that. Who are THEY to tell me who I can be?
Admitingly, I mainly want to be a girl just to 'test the waters' so to speak. I believe that being able to live as a fully functional female would teach me so many things. The lure of this knowledge use to drive me crazy back then. However, even if it did become possible for men to change fully into women. I think there are a LOT of people who should be in line before me. Plus I'd have to have a way back. I like who I am very much. This form is mine, and I intend to keep it. Course if I go by my shadowshifter self. That will never be a problem.
As for my lust for 'Destructive Power' That stems from getting my butt kicked constantly as a child. I very much would like to just ki blast those jerks in the face. This is a large part of why Garath is so power hungry. There will always be a part of me that wants to hurt people because I'm tired of them hurting me. Thankfully I'm strong willed enough to NEVER let that happen. It's also why I say that as much as I'd love to really be Garath. I also hope it never happens. I'm not sure I could resist the temptation of the power. Rping and text based stuff though is just that. Imagination so I use it as a vent.
I'm kinda surpised you thought I was misogynist. Though I guess not 'too' surpised. There are a few things in my life that have given me a rather... 'impaired' vision of women at times. It usually only comes out when women act in favor of femininsim. Like I said, I don't enjoy being told me gender is evil.
I think a large part of it stems from that 'She Like's You' Joke that was constantly pulled on me.
When I was younger, while growing up I would have this joke pulled on me CONSTANTLY.
You had to have at least two females to pull it off. It would go like this: One of them would get my attension. Then when I was finally looking at them. The one who flagged me down would point at their friend and say: "She likes you!"
The 'friend' would then go "EWWWWWWWWW" and they'd both laugh at your expense.
When I entered middle school I pretty much accepted that I'd never be on a date, as I was basically 'trash'. I had no car, no money. So I didn't think I'd be 'the pick of the litter'. How foolish I was back then. I really shouldn't have let it bother me as much as I did.
As for mother issues? Yeah, no. My mother was the greatest women I've ever known. The fact that she's gone is something that will never really stop eatting at me. If it wasn't for her, I very well may HAVE grown up hating women.
I apologize for my signiture. I just find Spider Zero cool, and ironicly that's pretty much the best pic there is of him. The girl is innocent. Thankfully she is saved unharmed. Still it gives a pretty good idea of how evil Spider Zero is. Which is kinda what I was going for.
Ninian wrote:I want to give you this though: in general, I see the world as a
lot more complicated a place than I did when I originally wrote the Aeternalae. I see people as properly more complicated. I think if there are to be forced changes like the kind you hate, they need to be in
very specific instances (such as the suicidee instance above). That the world is complicated isn't a bad thing though. Just the opposite, it's a wonderful thing. There is a lot more character to be had in working with different materials than there is just destroying them and attempting to build over. If I took anything away from Touhou, it's that "diversity is everything even and
especially if your world is staffed entirely by girls". Hell, they even have a monstrous
shadow-dwelling one. You don't get wonderful diversity from tearing a person's psyche apart from the top down, ever. It just doesn't work anyway, look at Aesop's fable about the Sun and the North Wind.
That said, the lust (in more than one sense of the word!) for my ideal world did override my thinking -- a LOT. I have no excuses to offer for that, I was just simply
drunk with a vision. The vision isn't exactly gone, but I'm willing to be a lot more patient in seeing it realized. I also realized that the world's problems got as bad as they did to begin with because of people like me trying to fix things. It's better for me to wash my hands of whatever is happening in this complicated world, not feel guilty about tragedy happening overseas, and put my focus on building my own world.
Well I'm getting pressed for time so I'll wrap this up. I never really got into Touhou. I've seen a few flashes and stuff, but it never got me interested in checking out more.
As for the link you posted to youtube. I'm more inclinded to watch this anime girl. Who just happens to be my favorite anime girl of all time now. If I was to become a female on the boards NOW, I'd be like her. (I really REALLY wish I could commission a pic of Miyuko in her outfit)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xie8eyE ... re=relatedIf you are ever intersted Nina, I'd love to present you the history of what and who Garath is now. (The character) Though I don't think you'd like what he is all that much.
Sorry it kinda fell apart at the end there, but I have a friend over and he keeps distracting me with conversation.