I guess this is like a caption?

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I guess this is like a caption?

Postby Ookalf » Thu May 31, 2012 10:02 pm

Man, why am I even doing this, who thought this was a good idea?

---(Intro)---

You frown a little as you look up at the small wooden house before you. You know the place, of course - everyone around here does. The creepy old house on the edge of town, whose owner is said to be an actual witch... And for the most part, people believe it. The few times she'd been spotted outside of her house, all those who'd seen her said that she had a sort of "magical vibe" about her, whatever that meant. And magic did seem to be just about the only explanation for the mysterious happenings that seemed to surround the place. Otherwise sane, reliable people told stories of things like talking trees and flying cats, with photos and videos to back them up. And there was that disappearance last month...

You shake your head, trying to drive away the memories of that particular incident. Dwelling on it won't do you any good, you tell yourself. Especially not here... With a sigh, you look once again at the letter that brought you here. It doesn't tell you a whole lot, really - just that you should come up to the witch's house today, and you'll find out more there... After a moment, you stuff the letter back into your pocket and, deciding there's nothing else for it, march up to the door and knock.

"Come in!" you here a woman's voice answer. "The door's open!"

You blink in surprise on hearing the woman's voice. She didn't sound at all like the mean, evil, and nasty ugly old hag you'd been expecting. Hers was a younger, almost friendly voice... Still, you reason, sounds aren't everything. She could still be an evil witch who just happens to have a pleasant voice... At any rate, you open the door and head into the house.

The entrance hall, as far as you can see, is pretty normal. One door to the left, one to the right, a staircase going up to the next floor... Before you can even really begin to wonder where to go now, the woman calls to you again. "Take the hall to your left!" she says. "Second door on the right!"

Slowly, you follow the woman's instructions, heading down the hall on the left and opening the door as she'd said. Through it, you find... Well, in some ways it's not quite what you were expecting. In others, well... The first thing you notice is a cauldron in the back of the room, with some kind of purple smoke rising out of it. Standing over that is a brown-haired girl of about your age, who wears a long black dress and large, pointy black hat. Occasionally, she pokes at whatever's in the cauldron with a broom she holds in both hands, frowning all the while. So intent is she on this, she doesn't even seem to have noticed you coming in.

From her, your eyes wander around the room, taking in the shelves, the drawers, the jars and bottles full of who-knows-what, until your attention is drawn away by a soft, "Ahem". Looking around, you soon realize that there is a rather pretty woman with a book in one hand sitting a chair right next to you - and to be perfectly honest, you have no idea how you could have missed her before. After all, she's got blue hair, red eyes, pointy ears, a big, purple, witch hat, a matching dress that shows off a fair amount of cleavage... All things that would normally draw the eye toward them, yet you somehow overlooked all of it, along with those two cats sitting next to her.

"So go on, take a seat," the witch tells you, indicating a matching chair across from hers. You nod a little as you sit down in the red plush chair, thanking her. "Not a problem," she says. Once you get settled in, the witch introduces herself as Clairanna and asks for your name, which you hesitantly give her. "Ah, good," she says. "I wouldn't want to go to all this trouble just to get the wrong person, right?" She laughs a little at this, and you chuckle along with her, just to be polite.

Eventually, though, the laughing stops, and you finally ask the witch the question that had been bothering you all day - why are you here? "Ah, right..." she says, still smiling.”There's an interesting story behind that, really. First, though, I have something I need to take care of..." Clairanna winks to you and proceeds to pull what you can only describe as a magic wand (where she got it, you couldn't say - that outfit doesn't really look like it has any useful pockets) and waves it in the general direction of the other witch, who still seems to oblivious to what the two of you are doing. As Clairanna does this, both the tip of her wand and the other girl's broom start to glow, then the latter suddenly jumps out of its owner's hands, grabs her hat with its tip, and starts flying about the room! With a cry, the younger witch chase after the broom, nearly knocking over some jars and at least one stack of books as she carelessly runs around, until eventually it leads her out of the room.

The cats, meanwhile, look on with that expression of vague amusement cats tend to have.

Image

You silently watch all this in awe and more than a little confusion, before Clairanna explains. "It was the only way I could think of to get that apprentice of mine to stop poking that stuff before it blew up and turned her into a toad," she says. "Besides, she already knows this story by heart. I'm sure she wouldn't want to listen to it again." You try to ask Clairanna why she couldn't just ask her apprentice to leave, to which she says, "Because she's too darn stubborn for her own good. Now, enough about Eris. I believe I have a story to tell you..."

---(The Witch's Story)---

Now, this happened about a month ago. I was sitting down here reading a book, much as I was before you came in- No, no, don't apologize. I invited you, after all.

Anyway, I was down here reading, when I heard a strange sound from upstairs, like of something heavy falling to the floor. Naturally, I decided to investigate, so, I cast an unnoticeable charm on myself, and- What was that? ...Unnoticeable. It allows me to go around without anyone being able to see or hear any trace of me. And no, it's not the same as being invisible. Please stop interrupting.

Anyway, I went upstairs, and what do you think I saw there? One of those boys from the town at the bottom of the hill, trying to act all sneaky as he closed the window behind now. Now, this boy was far from being the first idiot to try and sneak in here on a dare, and normally I would have just shown myself and scared him away like all the others, but something stopped me. As I watched walk right past me and into my bedroom, I realized that had a latent witch aura, one of the strongest I'd ever seen. So, I decided to- Man, really? Do I have to explain everything to you?

A magic aura is sort of an indicator of a person's ability to use magic, and of how strong that magic is. There are two types, wizard auras and witch auras. Which one a magician has generally depends on their gender, wizard for males, witch for females, which is why I found this boy's aura so odd. Well, that and the fact that, despite what his aura seemed to be saying, he didn't look like he'd had even a single day's worth of magic training. ...Can I go on with the story now? Good.

Now, as I was saying, as I watched this boy invade my home, I decided to cast a little spell on him that I'd learned from a friend of mine, one that would both allow him to get some use out of that then-useless aura of his, and perhaps let me punish him a little for breaking in... Of course, I also threw in a small befuddlement spell, so he wouldn't realize what was going on until I wanted him to. It just seemed like common sense, really.

So there I was, casting my spell, while he just went on hunting for trophies, or whatever he was doing. And did he notice when I started growing his hair out, until it went from barely reaching his neck to brushing up against his rear? No, he just went on digging through the clothes in my closet. Most of his body hair receding didn't stop him from searching in my underwear drawer, either. Turning his clothes into a dress? He just kept on trying to crawl under my bed. His shoes into high-heeled boots? The poor boy just went and started rifling through my jewelry chest. ...And so it went, for a little while. Finally, he tried to leave the room, which was when I made the final, and perhaps most drastic change - transforming his body into that of a woman. That done, I dropped both of my other spells, allowing her to see me and what I'd done.

She panicked at first, of course. Couldn't figure out how she'd turned into a girl, or how I'd gotten into the room. She started to beg me to let her go, change her back, until I managed to calm her down to the point where I could explain the situation with her aura, and how she'd have access to incredible magic now. Boy, did that change her tune. She immediately asked if she could stay with me, and learn more about this magic of hers... I, of course, accepted.

---(Conclusion)---

You listen to the witch's story in stunned silence. When she seems to finish, you ask her where exactly you come into all this, though you're pretty sure you already have a good idea. That boy in the story - he was Aaron, your best friend. One month ago, you'd dared to come up here and to bring back "something magic" as proof. To think that this was what had happened to him... Nervously, you await her answer.

"I was just about to get to that, actually," she says. "Just the other day, Eris and I were having dinner together when she told me something most interesting. As she told it, someone had put her up to sneaking into my house... That 'someone,' I'm sure you know, being you." You gulp. She'd figured it out. Perhaps noticing your worry, Clairanna continues on. "So, I just figured I'd invite you up to the house for a little chat, thank you for giving me an amazing apprentice, and letting Eris find a part of herself she never knew... Stuff like that, just keep it simple. ...Then, though, today arrived. And when I felt you approaching, I realized that there was something fairly odd about you as well, and, well, I just couldn't help myself..." Clairanna then snaps her fingers and, surprisingly, starts to giggle. "Welcome aboard, dear..."

You frown and ask her what exactly she means by that. Once the words are out, though, you realize that your voice doesn't sound quite right. Your clothes are starting to feel odd too, as is your body in general... Oh boy.

---

So, there's that. My first real, serious try at something like this...

(Image from this site, used without permission. All credit to the original artist.)
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Re: I guess this is like a caption?

Postby muffinstud » Thu May 31, 2012 10:21 pm

The story has a good flow to it, has some nice characterization and has a decent payoff.

The only complaint I personally have is the device you used to switch from the main part of the narrative to the witch relating her story. It took a bit to realize it was the story she was telling, not her personal story. If you were to change the formatting to be somewhat different from those between the post and the story, it would have a better coherency.

Otherwise, well done. Welcome to the ranks of your fellow captioneers!
"Well, you'll have plenty of time to live in a van down by the river, when you're living...in a van down by the river!" --Matt Foley, motivational speaker
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Re: I guess this is like a caption?

Postby Ookalf » Thu May 31, 2012 10:37 pm

muffinstud wrote:The story has a good flow to it, has some nice characterization and has a decent payoff.

The only complaint I personally have is the device you used to switch from the main part of the narrative to the witch relating her story. It took a bit to realize it was the story she was telling, not her personal story. If you were to change the formatting to be somewhat different from those between the post and the story, it would have a better coherency.

Otherwise, well done. Welcome to the ranks of your fellow captioneers!

Thanks! And, ah... How do you think you would've done that bit, just for reference? Like, I should've used a quote block or something?
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Re: I guess this is like a caption?

Postby muffinstud » Thu May 31, 2012 10:56 pm

Yeah, that would work. You could either put your OOC stuff in the quotes (my preference) or the story itself in the quote box. Also, having the word "Conclusion" in a framing bracket in your story is confusing when it's not quite at the conclusion yet. Perhaps a change in wording could help as well.
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Re: I guess this is like a caption?

Postby Ookalf » Thu May 31, 2012 11:26 pm

Yeah, that does all make sense... Something to keep in mind for next time, I guess, if there is one.
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