For the sake of saving it somewhere, here is my brother’s “Open Letter to Whomever Stole My Bike”:
Open Letter to Whomever Stole My Bike
The Guy Whose Bike You Stole
Enjoy It.
Seriously, I mean it.
Some things I think you should be aware of though.1. That thing was made by JC Penney (They made bicycles?) around the late 1970s; and has untold numbers of rust spots on it. Notice how the seat is up somewhat high on it? It isn’t because I’m tall, oh no; it’s because the nut is actually rusted on. You know, I once tried some WD-40, and it didn’t work on it either. Maybe you’ll have better luck.
2. The back brakes don’t work at all, while the front brakes squeak worse than anything else I’ve ever heard. Come to think of it, the wheels squeak just by virtue of spinning too.
3. The front reflector has a nasty habit of actually not being existent anymore, and with the strange mount that it uses? Good luck finding a replacement.
4. Notice how that front wheel wobbles a bit? Yeah, that won’t be going away.
5. The chain is far too long causing extreme pain whilst going up any incline; speaking of which…
6. Note how it displays proudly on the front that it’s a “five speed” bike?
It hasn’t been five speed since the early days of the Reagan administration.7. The seat was not only placed far too high, but is also ripped in a rather awkward way. I hope you enjoy that especially.
8. The kickstand? Rusted over.
9. The bike “lock” on it? Yeah. The code wasn’t even resettable / was easily unlockable with a biro/pen.
You know, come to think of it, I never much cared for the color either. The shade of brown never quite suited me. In fact, I’m fairly sure that had the thing actually somehow gained sentience, that its first conscious act would be to commit suicide in the Mill Stream simply due to this fact alone.
It must be mentioned that I was planning on actually replacing it within short order, and was wondering how to properly dispose of said bicycle; luckily, you made it that much easier – no more will I actually need to consider abandoning it outside of a thrift store or behind someone’s truck in an ingenious scheme to gain insurance money.
Wow, this is actually the best theft over, no joke; now off to Craigslist to find a vintage Schwinn bike.
With Much Love,
The Guy Whose Bike You Stole
